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As often happens when teaching the Communication Styles Framework, someone will spontaneously say, “Oh, I just realized something I’d never thought of before.” This happened recently during a workshop with a management group.

The discussion centered on how differently we organize our workspaces, which was actually a side discussion that began when one member expressed frustration from having a messy desk. A coworker remarked that she has a messy desk, too, but “I know where everything is and can easily put my hands on whatever I’m looking for.” Someone else chimed in that she can usually picture right where she puts things.

I commented that my visual memory is poor, so I have shelves or a counter to spread out on, eliminating piles. If something is in a pile, I won’t remember it’s there. With shelves or a counter, I need to scan each item to remember I have it.

The most interesting comment, however, came from Lucien (not his real name, of course). “I remember where I put something by feeling where I put it.” As he said this he mimed with his arms moving in different directions, placing papers in different locations in space. “It’s kind of a muscle memory,” he continued. “I can’t see where I put it, but I know where it is because I remember the actual movement of putting it there.” There was a quiet pause as we all absorbed this new information.

In my usual articulate manner when something like this occurs, I said, “Wow, that’s so cool” . . . Seriously, I probably did say something like that because I’d never heard that from anyone and I hear many unusual comments in similar group meetings around the framework. Paying attention to these seemingly quirky observations is important. They are clues to our processing modalities and, therefore, our communication styles.

Lucien is strongly kinesthetic and a doer. He learns by gaining knowledge through direct experience and can seem impulsive, thoughtless, or foolish.  Now that his coworkers better understand his processing style, they are less likely to judge him and more likely to find constructive ways to interact with him when he does dive right into something.

Our discussion that day led directly into recounting a past experience (with good humor) when Lucien did something that seemed impulsive and ended up being embarrassing but was really part of his need to gain knowledge from direct experience. As the group revisited the incident and put it in a different (more accurate) context, they automatically began talking about how they all could have handled it differently. Recognizing Lucien’s need for direct experience also led to discussing how creative he is and how well he thinks on his feet. His taking direct action and adapting as needed afterward certainly suits him well—and usually benefits the whole management team.

By identifying Lucien’s strengths and how those strengths can also get him into trouble, this team engaged in a discussion that brought them greater understanding about themselves and each other. Without making judgments, they put past observations in a new context, which allows them to better support one another, problem-solve more creatively, and collaborate more productively.

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My brother is a math whiz, has a strong logical mind, and once said, “I use the language of logic and math to communicate what I see in the visual-spatial realm.” Of course I was intrigued and had an intuitive sense of what he was describing but it’s so far from my personal experience that I was also baffled.

Working with management teams in businesses and organizations, I’ve often encountered people in finance who remind me of my brother, and recently I heard a description of processing in the logical and visual-spatial realms that was especially illuminating and intriguing. While talking about his role and confusion about communicating effectively with others in the organization, the CFO said, “I think in spread sheets, only they’re three dimensional. I can picture the numbers but more importantly see how they connect to the different areas of the organization, how they all relate to each other.” This was a bit of a show stopper for the team members.

What was he really saying? He understands the bigger picture around the finances of the organization because he can visualize how everything relates through money. He sees these numerical relationships in three dimensions.

Because no one else in the room does that, the CFO needs to find a way to communicate his ideas about finances in a way the others can understand. How to do that became a collaborative, trial and error process, and this in itself—discussing what everyone needed to achieve understanding—became a team-building activity.

Collaboration around the Communication Styles Framework is by its nature non-threatening. The conversation that evolved for this team was as important as the solutions they discovered because the discovery process taught them about each other within a problem-solving paradigm that they can replicate in other situations. This type of problem-solving most often results in durable and transferable solutions, so when another complex situation arises that requires good communication, they can draw on this experience to guide them to success.

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Robin has a small landscape design firm with three employees. Barry, the oldest of the three has ten years experience, is very talented, and wants to buy the business from Robin, who is getting close to retirement. The other two employees are younger and in the novice phase of their careers.

Robin respects Barry, seeing him as hard working, sincere, and ambitious without being driven. Although Robin also genuinely likes Barry, he’s never been able to establish the kind of rapport he’d like. He wishes the two of them could have very open, heart to heart type discussions, but his attempts at getting closer leave him feeling awkward and out of synch.

Through the communication styles lens, Robin is an external, spontaneous processor (thinking out loud). He is genuinely friendly and enjoys talking with others. He uses his hands a lot for self-expression and often refers to images and feelings in a poetic style.

Contrasting that, Barry is more of an internal processor, needing to think through his feelings and ideas (intrapersonal) to formulate thoughts and positions before meaningful engagement with others. He makes lists throughout the day, quantifies times and tasks naturally, and has a very reasoned (logical) approach to his life and communication.

Observing their processing/communication patterns, it became apparent that Robin was trying to engage spontaneously with Barry, popping into his office and quickly running something by him for an opinion or just to share information or find out how Barry was doing. Barry’s reserved responses frustrated Robin, and at times he felt rebuffed and hurt.

Robin tried to confront this pattern head on by asking Barry if something was wrong between them. Barry seemed confused and rattled by Robin’s question, which caused more awkwardness . . . and of course, Robin then began drawing varied conclusions: Barry is having problems at home with his “controlling” wife, Barry doesn’t trust or respect Robin, Barry is withdrawn and depressed, etc.

It’s hard not to draw psychological conclusions based on the above observations, yet there is another way of approaching the communication patterns Robin observed. My first suggestion was based on the assumption that Barry is stronger intrapersonally and Robin stronger interpersonally.  Therefore if Robin pops into Barry’s office, he should request a mutually satisfactory time for them to talk and let Barry know what the agenda is, so Barry can have an opportunity to think about it ahead of time. My second suggestion was for Robin to organize his visual-spatial pictures in a logical format (list, task flow, etc.) so Barry, with his logical approach, could quickly understand them.

These two adjustments had immediate positive results. Although Robin likes the idea of being spontaneous and free wheeling in his conversation, it doesn’t work for Barry. Giving Barry time to prepare and creating some order around the discussion allows both of them to be more open and communicative. The structure frees them to connect better emotionally and have some spontaneous conversation, as well.

Thinking about and accounting for style differences first, offers a straightforward opportunity for problem-solving before delving into the potential psychological and emotional roadblocks. The sequence matters.

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Seven-year-old Willie was having trouble on the playground with Dylan. Every time they played together, they fought, and it had reached the point that just approaching each other resulted in bad feelings and conflict of one sort or another. Their parents tried to encourage them to simply avoid each other. Although this seemed like a straightforward solution because each boy acknowledged not liking the other, it just didn’t work. Their teacher, Ms. Comstyle, tried talking with the boys individually and together without success. The principal even intervened, which did have an effect . . . short term. Needless to say, everyone was frustrated.

Then Ms. Comstyle focused her communication styles lens and realized that Willie has very strong visual-spatial skills, so she devised a new plan taking this into account. She asked Willie to picture a big red stop sign, which he could easily do. Next she had him picture Dylan walking toward him on the playground. Finally, she asked Willie to picture the stop sign between him and Dylan. Each step was easy for Willie: he was very good at picturing and enjoyed the details.

Willie worked with Ms. Comstyle every day for a week, picturing the scene with the stop sign between him and Dylan. The following week without being told to do so, Willie reported excitedly to his teacher (and then later to his parents) that he kept himself away from Dylan on the playground because he could picture a big, red stop sign that reminded him to stop and go in the other direction.

I’ve coached many teachers to think about a child’s communication style strengths when figuring out ways to solve a problem academically or socially. Focusing on strengths, when a lot of attention has already been paid to weaknesses, shifts attention and allows for more creative problem-solving. In this case, it gave Willie a new tool to work with as he grows and develops.

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Justin worked hard to stay connected to his team. He interacted daily with each of the six members whether he needed to or not. It was just his way—make pleasant conversation to keep things friendly, ask personal questions about member’s kids or vacations, and keep up to the minute on project details. No one doubted Justin’s motives. They knew his heart was in the right place, that he wanted everyone to get along and cared about doing everything well. But . . . they all found him annoying, and it was beginning to erode the overall positive working environment.

The owner of the small marketing agency where Justin works began to notice the tension and tried to find out what was going on. The team’s quality of work was good; that wasn’t the issue. She discovered, however, that there were no weak links in the team and everyone basically liked their roles and what they did, so she concluded that it was a personality conflict between Justin and his team and recommended communication training to help them learn how to discuss these personality conflicts.

When we illuminated the communication styles differences of team members, some things were immediately clear. Justin’s way of continuously interacting reflected his strong interpersonal nature, naturally causing friction with the four members who were more intrapersonally oriented. Just identifying that difference cut down on some of the conflict.

More interestingly though, Justin also discovered that his strong visual-spatial orientation manifested in a way he had not recognized before. “My mind pictures spirals,” he said. “There are spirals  connecting to spirals, and I pick up data from other people and attach it to one or more spirals that I naturally visualize. It’s how I think and organize my mind—and of course no one else realizes what I’m doing because it’s invisible.”

Following up with the team, we made other important discoveries. Two team members have strong logical components to their processing/communication styles and organize information in sequence on a timeline. One of them said, “You mean everyone doesn’t do that?”—a serious and rhetorical question.

What happened next was actually great fun and energizing for the team. Justin placed a large sheet of paper in the middle of the table and sketched his internal spirals, attaching words and symbols signifying the data he had gathered from a recent project. Another team member drew a time line and organized his data along the line. Others participated by making various markings to connect information from the spirals and the timeline.

The spontaneous and creative solution that emerged for this once-struggling team was natural and exciting—and not at all a conflict of personalities.  Recognizing exactly how our strongest communication style components manifest often creates pathways to group problem-solving and team
building.

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“It’s as if I have a wall in front of me,” Joe reflected. This is not an uncommon description from many who enter counseling. The image of the wall has obvious implications but is always more complicated than it seems at first glance. Joe’s wall is a barrier between himself and others, protection from getting emotionally closer, and therefore, hurt.

Joe talked about the hurts in his life, growing up in a family where there was alcohol and physical abuse. Protecting himself both physically and emotionally was essential to his survival, and he became expert at hiding his needs, wishes, desires, hopes, and dreams. He developed a demeanor to look confident but relied on the wall to protect himself.

Being friendly and caring came naturally to Joe, but being open and sharing on a deeper level . . . well, that part of him remained hidden behind the wall.  He felt great sorrow and at times anger for what had happened in his lost childhood and had good insight into understanding the impact his early life experiences had had on him. Finding his way out of this pattern of hiding behind the wall was more elusive.

Because Joe expressed himself with metaphors and a lot of visual-spatial language (it looks like; I see; when I picture it; etc.) and often used gestures when talking about his feelings, we focused on these processing strengths rather than primarily relying on words (linguistic) or reason (logical). And we began by considering the image of the wall. Picturing the wall and studying what it looked like made it more real: He could feel it with his hands, smell it, and make alterations to it. As he explored the wall, he discovered a ladder leaning against it, which allowed him to stay protected while looking on the other side to see how he felt.

Staying connected to the wall but changing his relationship to it resulted in Joe learning to take more emotional risks in his life. Eventually, he reconstructed the wall to include a door so he could more easily move to the other side when he chose to. This was not a happily-ever-after experience, but it did create opportunity and hope.

Words, reason, and reflection are not unimportant in Joe’s struggle to reclaim his life. Using his core processing strengths, however, gave him a more direct pathway to healing. The Communication Styles Framework lets this happen, an invaluable tool for connecting experiences when dealing with complex emotional dynamics.

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Alisa is a team leader at a marketing firm. Her team has six members working on a project for one of their bigger accounts. Alisa is conscious of giving praise (when it’s deserved) and holding everyone to high standards. She stays connected with team members through regular staff meetings and pushes herself to make one-on-one contact as much as she can, given her busy schedule. She is also respectful, listens well, has an overall positive attitude, and gives clear directions.

Alisa organizes projects primarily in the visual-spatial realm, i.e. she pictures all of the pieces of the project and how they relate to each other. She “carries” the whole picture in her mind’s eye, adjusting the parts as she gathers new information. This, of course, is invisible to others around her but gets communicated in her descriptions as she speaks.

Months ago, she realized that her descriptions didn’t connect well with one of her team members, Jeremy—that communicating the whole picture and the relationships between the parts wasn’t very effective. When she did this, Jeremy asked a lot of questions and required a lot of clarification, though Alisa believed she had been very clear. Frequently they didn’t communicate well at all.

Because of this disconnect, Alisa changed her tactics and started conversations by asking Jeremy questions, hoping to discover what information/resources he needed and where he was in the process of completing his work. This worked better but was still cumbersome and confusing.

Then during one exchange, when Jeremy made a passing reference to his logical approach to a project, Alisa got the missing piece: Jeremy’s processing style is strongly logical/sequential and he doesn’t see the overall picture she describes in her own strongly based visual-spatial orientation. It has no order for him so he doesn’t recognize the relationships between the parts. His reasoned and linear orientation produces a different set of relationships: specific steps, or goals, that he works through sequentially.

Now, Alisa and Jeremy collaborate differently. Jeremy shows Alisa (on paper) his timeline and how he sees the project progressing. Alisa uses that to show Jeremy (more concretely) how that connects to the bigger picture and she has learned to give sequential directions to Jeremy in a linear format (step 1, step 2, etc.).

Discovering and then working directly with each other’s processing strengths cuts down on frustration and conflict, as well as gives a pathway to successful collaboration.

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What’s the big picture look like, Jonas?

Words, Luanne—what words do we need here?

What do you know about our customer, Jeff, in terms of what really matters to them?

How can we line up the pieces to this to make it hang together, Will?”

Are there some symbols that pop to mind, Sarah?

Jon, what values are we really talking about?

These are natural questions that evolve when the members of a project team understand each other’s individual processing/communication styles. The questions tap into the strengths of each one, taking into account a range of skills in different domains. Words, images, numbers, feelings, client relationship, the big picture, the structure—these “languages” come together as this team develops a project for their customer.

Let’s go through them one by one to look at the details.

Jonas sees the big picture because he is visually-spatially strong and literally looks at situations from an aerial view, seeing the relationships between the different parts of the project.

Luanne is linguistically strong so she conceptualizes in words. Her explanations and descriptions are naturally clear and precise.

Jeff is interpersonally driven, tuned into human relationships. He intuitively understands the feelings, motivations, and goals of others. His understanding of the customer is rooted in the emotional connections he develops.

Will’s logical sense automatically lines up processes coherently and efficiently. He understands the sequence of events and has a good grasp of the numbers and how they relate to the flow of the project from beginning to end.

Sarah has a strong kinesthetic, visual-spatial orientation. She usually “gets” the symbolic nature of communication and frequently connects a symbol that draws together the important elements in a project.

Finally, because Jon is introspective (intrapersonal), he understands the deeper values inherent in a situation. He uses his inner experience as a means of connecting to others and gleaning the purpose behind what is occurring.

By recognizing and respecting individual strengths and drawing on those resources, the team gives natural validation to one another and the whole becomes greater than the sum of the parts. This activates a higher level of creativity and synergy that results in the team being more productive and having, yes, more fun.

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We all talk to ourselves quite a lot, sometimes out loud but mostly internally. In fact we spend more time talking internally than externally. This is a complicated matter in the relationship we have with ourselves, and it’s worth paying careful attention to the way we do this. Here’s an example of someone we’ll call Will trying to understand his reactions, thoughts, and feelings about jealousy as it involves his girlfriend, June.

Will was struggling with feelings of jealousy. The word jealousy generally has negative connotations, so it’s hard to admit to jealousy. It can seem small minded and implies a lack of trust. Will was especially troubled by his thoughts and feelings because his girlfriend, June, hadn’t done anything that would warrant not trusting her. So, Will was talking to himself about how foolish he is and how his feelings are all messed up. He was trying to be logical.

June is naturally friendly with both men and women, genuinely interested in people and socializing. She is pleasant and funny, and others like meeting and talking with her. When Will and June are together at gatherings, Will appreciates her engaging manner and likes how others respond so warmly and positively to her.

When they weren’t together, however, and Will was alone, it was different. Then, he visualized other men being drawn to June, flirting and trying to win her over. He pictured these scenes in detail, allowing them to be embellished in his mind’s eye. And that was the real problem: because he has a strong visual-spatial world, these images of June were in great detail, like a moving picture, energized by Will’s emotions.

After exploring his history in relationships, attachments in childhood, and general feelings of security in relationships with other partners, it seemed clear Will was dealing with very ordinary feelings of jealousy—he was not possessive or obsessive, and his self-esteem was solid. So, we focused on how he communicated with himself. While he pictured these disturbing scenes, he used negative words toward himself (“Why are you doing this? You’re being stupid!”), which caused his mind to move at a frenetic pace. No kidding it was counterproductive and making him very unhappy. How could it not? In fact, his imagination was running away from him. The pictures were controlling his feelings and thoughts.

Once Will acknowledged that he was producing these negative communications (both images and words), he understood that replacing them positively made sense. At the first sign of the negative, he began telling himself that he really loves and enjoys being with June, which is why he was afraid of losing her. He also pictured a positive scene of the two of them having a pleasant time together.

The third thing Will did was to recognize how physically agitated he would get with the negative thoughts and feelings, moving around frenetically and really working himself up, with both images and words. By slowing down the pace of his activity, however, he was able to manage his reactions better, clarify his thoughts, and more easily focus (picture) on the reality of his relationship with June.

Will initiated these three steps regularly, at the first sign of negative jealous rumblings. He wasn’t trying to convince himself of something that wasn’t true, ignoring signs and signals of boundary problems or infidelity. He knew what he was saying to himself was the “real” truth, which is why the practice was ultimately effective: his jealous thoughts dissipated and he could relax in the security of the strong mutual feelings he and June had for each other.

It is common for all of us to get into trouble around our strengths. Will’s strong visualization ability became a liability as he pictured things that really weren’t true but felt so real in his imagination. This is common for those with a strong visual-spatial component to their communication style. Will was talking to himself in pictures that were hurting him. By paying attention to this process, he was better able to find a more accurate way to communicate the truth in his internal world.

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Ned is a very active seven year old boy—tireless and constantly in motion. His continuous imaginative play is captivating, both to himself and to anyone watching him. Within a minute of seeing a stick and a piece of crumpled up paper, for example, he has combined them with other objects to form a spaceship that he weaves in and out of many worlds.

Often, though, it is difficult to get Ned’s attention because he is so absorbed in play/thought/imagination. If you ask him a question or give him direction, he’ll respond as though he’s heard you but he doesn’t follow through…or so it seems. When his parents try to talk to Ned about listening and following through, he seems distracted and uncomfortable, and the session often accomplishes little except giving all involved a not-so-healthy level of frustration. Mary and Kevin, Ned’s parents, are concerned that his level of absorption will cause big problems for him at school and beyond.

Mary especially is tireless in her attempts to engage him and help him focus better. As she explored the communication styles framework, she recognized that Ned has a strong visual-spatial and kinesthetic world. He tends to think in pictures and focuses his attention on creating and experiencing. Therefore, using words to connect with him would likely be ineffective.

One day when Ned and Mary were at the park, they watched as two boys, some distance away, played with a ball. When the ball bounced toward them, Ned picked it up and began bouncing it in a pattern relating to the cracks in the pavement. Mary instructed him to return the ball to the boys. Ned replied, “I am.” His mother retorted, “No, you’re not. Give it back now.” The conversation went back and forth like this, and eventually Ned rolled the ball back to the boys.

Then Mary asked him to go sit in a nearby hammock and picture two scenes: the one that just occurred and another where he simply handed the ball back to the boys. Ned sat dreamily in the hammock for about five minutes and then said, “Oh, I get it. I should have given the ball back right away because they were playing a game with it.” Mary saw this as a breakthrough moment, and it was.

Typically in a follow-up discussion of this sort, Ned would defensively explain that he was giving the ball back because, in fact, he was, but it was in a manner that suited him and was not congruent with anyone else’s reality. This time it was different. As Ned tuned into his imaginative world to reflect, he observed his creative process for returning the ball (which he fully intended to do) and observed the scene from the perspective of the two boys. Once he visualized both pictures, he realized what was most important—the right thing to do in this situation. Tapping into Ned’s natural language in the visual-spatial realm gave him an opportunity to connect to a bigger picture and understand what was important to others.

As Mary and I talked about this, we explored the possibility of helping Ned use an imaginary pause button when she’s trying to get his attention. Because the compelling pictures he constantly visualizes makes it hard for him to focus on input from others, learning to press the pause button might help Ned focus on what Mary is saying. It’s an experiment worth trying. Using the communication styles lens often can help us creatively and specifically solve problems.