Thinking Out Loud » responsibility

All Wrapped Up

Bob — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 20:50:57 +0000

Gary injured his back working in the yard, which resulted in a long and difficult bout of sciatica, bad enough that he used a cane when walking. Sitting, standing, and lying down were all difficult to different degrees for reasons he could not figure out. He was also under a lot of personal stress. His elderly father was in and out of the hospital; each time Gary wondered if his father would live. And it was a busy time of year at the accounting firm where he worked.

Talking about his troubles wasn’t difficult for Gary: At this point he’d talk to anyone who’d listen. He felt scared and isolated in the pain he was experiencing. In counseling he wondered if what was happening was some kind of wake-up call. Were the forces in his life converging to give him a message about something deeper and important about how he was living his life?

As we explored current and past struggles, Gary was articulate and had given a great deal of thought to his history, strengths and challenges, important relationships, and concluded that he tried a little too hard to please others—he was a little too selfless, to his own detriment. Although his dad needed him, Gary was burning himself out and not sharing enough of the responsibility with his sisters. He didn’t want them to be burdened, knowing how much they were grieving about their father, and was usually too quick to say, “Oh, I can do that.”

Recognizing that Gary is strong interpersonally and kinesthetically, I asked him if there was a feeling or image that captured what he was experiencing in his pain and struggle. He closed his eyes and described what he called “a World War II guy who got shot up pretty badly.” The figure (him) was in a wheelchair and wrapped in white bandages from head to toe with only his right eye showing to the world. The image was less important to him than the feeling it conveyed about his experience being in the situation he was in.

As we continued to explore Gary’s struggles, we did it in the context of the bandaged figure. It guided his exploration and let him know when he was on the right track. For example, when he was talking about not burdening his sisters, the bandages stayed in place and were unchanged. When he focused on setting more appropriate boundaries for himself, however, there were fewer bandages and they were looser; he felt more present and connected in his life.

By connecting to this representation of himself, Gary was guided by something deeper and more trustworthy than just his words. He could fool himself, that is, talk himself into believing he was doing the right thing; but he couldn’t fool his inner kinesthetic experience.

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I Accept Full Responsibility

Bob — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:07:40 +0000

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“I accept full responsibility” is the politically correct statement when mistakes are made. We’ve heard this over and over from CEO’s, government officials, and other leaders. Like many politically correct phrases, it so often rings hollow and is followed by a list of reasons justifying a lack of responsibility for the “mistakes.”

The reasons usually begin with, “If I knew then what I know now…” Yet, so often, a lot was known then that is not being acknowledged now. Words are important and they must match behavior—actions. Accepting responsibility and taking responsibility are two parts of the equation. Taking is a verb, which by definition expresses an act—doing something. Accepting (a transitive verb) responsibility means “to willingly receive, to endure without protest.” Accepting and taking responsibility are different, yet they must be part of a sequence of behavior to restore trust.

This is both a communication and a moral issue. When you communicate accepting and taking responsibility, there is a moral imperative to act congruently with what you said. So, when mistakes were made and the responsible party indicates willingness to accept and take responsibility, there must be action to back it up.

A heartfelt “I’m sorry” is necessary as part of the process. We, the listeners, must feel the genuineness of the apology. But even if we feel an appropriate level of sorrow, more is required before trust can be restored. The next step requires action that is transparent, where accountability is welcomed: “Here’s what I will do…” Then, of course, you must do what you said you would do in a way that is visible and can be verified. But it doesn’t stop there because when trust has been broken, the repair process (if it is successful) takes time—it is a process, not an event.

Whether we are talking about restoring the public trust or personal trust in a relationship, the same process is required. If you give a press conference or sit down to talk with your spouse about your transgressions, you express your sorrow for the specific hurts you caused and discuss your plan for attempting to restore the trust. Beyond that there is a responsibility to check back with those who were hurt to see how your corrective actions are affecting them.

Good leadership, like good friendship and parenting, requires backing up healing words with healing actions. We all make mistakes and must learn how to talk about them and what to do about them. We must not condemn each other for our mistakes. But it is hard not to when real responsibility is not taken. We must hold each other accountable, not to punish but to maintain a level of humanity and accountability for the common good.

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Real Leadership

Bob — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:10:07 +0000

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I just finished reading How by Dov Seidman, an inspiring book about creating values driven organizations that promote team work, mutual accountability, and individual leadership. It is possible to do this; Seidman includes lots of great examples of organizations of every size. This is particularly inspiring when put against news—and we’ve all heard it—of a company that relocates because of the “quality of the workforce.”

Often when you hear about a lack of an adequate labor pool, it’s in a relatively metropolitan area, a large diverse city with a large diverse workforce. If the leadership of a relocating company believes the people of the new locale will provide a better workforce, they are likely fooling themselves. It always sounds to me like a geographical cure for a leadership problem or that they don’t want to discuss the “real” reasons.

The words that shoot through my mind when I hear of this are “crisis of leadership” and I’m reminded of Good to Great by Jim Collins. In the book, Collins analyzes the leaders in great companies. These are humble individuals who know the mission and stick to what the organization does best, but do it better and better. They inspire their workforce by sharing the responsibility for the mission, with everyone having a real stake in what they are doing.

Good leaders know how to communicate a vision and share the responsibility for success with employees. They create a feeling of we’re all in this together. Blaming the quality of workforce in a major city for being inadequate is like blaming students for not learning in poorly run schools. You can say that kids have “bad home lives,” so they can’t learn but we have all heard of kids thriving in schools located in the poorest of neighborhoods because the community of teachers and administrators find a way to work successfully with them. The examples of this phenomenon throughout the country are too numerous to refer to it as an anomaly.

This is about leadership and communication—the leader’s ability to communicate a vision and share the leadership with others toward a worthy goal. Leadership and communication are inexorably interwoven, with communication being more than words. Communication includes words and the consistency of actions to back them up. The active demonstration of values along with the consistency of behavior provides the real leadership that will continue to inspire individuals.

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Communication as Energy

Bob — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:36:40 +0000

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Recent research tells us that brief encounters (communication) with neighbors and other community members have a direct bearing on our mood and sense of well being. In fact it has greater immediate impact on us than those more intimate in our social worlds.

This informs us that connection and communication with others really does matter. This is not new information, yet it reinforces their importance in our daily lives, even when the contact appears to be more superficial. A smile from a passer by or a frown from a store clerk can have a powerful impact on our mood and sense of well being.

Something is created in these encounters that has energy. The experience is palpable—we feel it. Have a good conversation with someone and you have a very positive “cellular” experience. It’s infectious; it radiates in a manner that others notice and are affected by it. We are filled with positive energy: bad moods can dissipate, our outlook on life is renewed, something within us shifts.

Negative communication can hurt, resulting in anger and/or sadness; and we can carry this feeling for a long time, often remembering it for years. These experiences can stick to us, even when we know that what was said is not true. The energy stays with it.

It is unmistakable that communication is a form of energy that can be both positive and negative. Communication is a force in our lives that we must recognize has power, and power carries with it responsibility. Although, we commonly think of communication as words, communication is more than words. With over fifty percent of communication being non-verbal, our actions toward others require the same care. Using energy wisely in our world today is a responsibility that we must all take seriously.

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