Thinking Out Loud » intentions

Waiting

Bob — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 12:58:25 +0000

We spend a good deal of time in our lives watching and waiting for the opportunity to do or say something. In our intimate, relational worlds this is especially true.

We want to say something of importance to our partner. Is it a good time? Is the other person in the right frame of mind? Will I be able to say exactly what I want to? Maybe the other person will say or do something soon that will offer me an opportunity to act. These types of watching and waiting questions take up more internal space than we often recognize.

To some extent this is necessary. It is part of being thoughtful—looking for good opportunities. However, much of the time it is deadly and follows a circular feedback loop with plenty of good reasons not to act: he had a bad day, our anniversary is next month, I’m too tired, it won’t work anyway, she’ll just argue with me, there will be a better time than this, etc.

There is, yet, another kind of deadly waiting—waiting to feel differently. Sure, I feel this way now, but maybe later something will change. It’s true, our feelings change all the time. And sometimes it is wise to wait and see if what you think needs to be discussed continues to be important. That’s the good kind of waiting. The bad kind of waiting is the wishful thinking kind, and it usually is connected to a wish for the other person to spontaneously change or do something differently to make you feel better. That’s a really dangerous tactic. The other person cannot read your mind, even though you think he or she should know what’s going on.

Finally, most everyone is busy and, often tired. Of course it’s a good idea to approach difficult subjects at a time when there is enough energy and space. Frequently this is hard to find, so you must do your best to ask for and create the time and space. “Sarah, I know we’re both tired and this isn’t a great time to talk, but I would really like to find the time to talk about our money problems. It’s a difficult subject for us, so I’m nervous about it, but I’d really like to try. Will you help me figure out a time for us to do this?” Tone of voice, intention, sincerity, and vulnerability can all be communicated in this request. Sarah is likely to pick up on that and be willing to try, which is all you ask.

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It Takes Time And A plan

Bob — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 23:02:54 +0000

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Wanting change and initiating change are two related but separate experiences. Wanting is an internal experience, initiating is external. So often in relationships we want it to feel and be different, not realizing that while altering intentions and attitudes can help, you still need to do something differently. Behavior has a sticky habit of remaining the same, despite good intentions.

Initiating change takes planning and an examination of priorities. Yet it can be hard to adjust priorities because once you do, it affects everything else in your life. For example, if you decide to “make time” to address sensitive issues with your spouse, that means less time spent on something else. Having a successful discussion, or more likely a series of discussions will require time to process feelings, clarify thoughts, and then revisit the issues. When and how will you do this, and what communication skills will you need to be successful? A lot goes into the planning, initiating and follow-up.

The same considerations go into parenting. If you want to behave differently with your children, it will require time to prepare and organize your communication and follow-up behaviors. You’ll have to be consistent, repetitious, and focused for a number of weeks/months to reach your goals. And what kind of support/collaboration will you need/want from the other parent? How much time and effort will that take? What roles will each of you play and what kind of support is required?

My goal here is to encourage you to be realistic . . . and optimistic. Although you aren’t the whole of the relationship equation, you can control half of the interaction—your own communication behavior. How you want to use that fifty percent is worth thinking about and planning for.

The vision and mission statements of corporations and other kinds of organizations help them focus on their priorities and goals. There’s no reason why you can’t have a personal mission statement too; a vision of what you want in the relationship is a necessity for any change to occur.

So, take the time to be clear about your intentions, look at any attitudes that might impede your progress, decide what’s really important to you and why, figure out what skills you’ll need to be successful, and organize your time and attention. Finally, find the support and guidance you need from someone who listens well and can offer genuine encouragement along the way.

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Good Intentions

Bob — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:12:57 +0000

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“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” the saying goes. We all know what that really means: If you don’t ever follow through, then talk is cheap. There’s a point to be made, yet the idea of having good intentions often gets a bad rap.

Our intentions do matter. I advise people to make their intentions clear at the outset of any important discussion. It sets the context for the discussion, informing the listener of your goals and your feelings about the situation—your intentions.

So what does that sound like? Here’s an example: John, I’d like to talk with you about yesterday’s meeting. I felt pretty uncomfortable and didn’t really know how best to make my point. What I was trying to convey is important to me, and I’d like to make sure you understand where I’m coming from.

There are several things accomplished by this prefacing statement:

You communicate the importance of the relationship
You demonstrate your commitment to self-improvement
You show courage to face a difficult situation
You demonstrate leadership

Also, there is strength is facing and acknowledging your vulnerability. Contrary to what some people think, this is not a show of weakness. It is the opposite. It shows self-awareness and a commitment to the truth. When you take this kind of initiative others respect you and will generally reciprocate, which builds stronger working relationships.

Although the above example is related to a workplace incident, it can be applied to our personal lives, as well. This conversation (with small modification) could take place between domestic partners, parent and child, neighbors, or work colleagues.

Being aware of and directly communicating your intentions is part of building successful relationships, but it is also your responsibility to recognize when you have bad intentions. This, of course, requires further exploration of your feelings. Why do you have bad intentions and what is the likely outcome if you act on them? There is no simple path forward if you discover bad intentions, although it is always good to delay action until you have a fuller understanding of what you wish to accomplish.

Finally, stating your intentions up front offers a level of accountability. Once you reveal what’s important to you, you have a responsibility to follow through accordingly, which further vests you in the relationship and helps establish greater trust.

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Back To Basics

Bob — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 13:40:48 +0000

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Recently I posted a piece titled “Appreciation.” I almost didn’t write it because I thought it might be trite—so obvious that readers would be bored. Well, I’m glad I did write it because it brought more enthusiastic response than any other piece posted this past year.

“Appreciation” focused on something simple and fundamental—direct expression of appreciation to your partner for the things they do that you genuinely appreciate. Like all fundamentals, when practiced consistently it brings good results. This is true in music and sports, as well: the great opera singers and baseball hitters all have coaches whose job it is to keep them focused on the fundamentals, not the fancy stuff.

Couples in counseling often believe that they must solve deep problems if they want to successfully save their marriage. Although deep problems may be there, the basics provide a path to solving them. You can’t argue your way to success or cajole the other to change their behavior, and if you wait for the other person to change spontaneously as a demonstration of love or test them to prove their love, . . . well, dream on. Those tactics just don’t work.

Focusing on the basics, however, is a clear, concrete, and doable means for most of us if we are willing to try, and when we do try, our partner experiences our intentions and effort, which does change the emotional climate. This genuine effort in and of itself makes a big difference.

What are the basics? There is no comprehensive list and I’m reluctant to offer one for fear of creating a misleading formula. Essentially the basics are less a how-to than about intentions, effort, and common sense practiced consistently. I’ve reviewed the past year’s posts at “Thinking Out Loud,” to focus on some of the basics I think are important. Here’s a summary:

Appreciation: Expressing gratitude for the day-to-day things your partner does for you and others. Click here to read this post.

The Five Percent Rule: Although you know a great deal about your spouse, you will never know everything. Stay open-minded and interested in learning and understanding more. Click here to read this post.

I’m Right, You’re Wrong: It’s so easy to get caught up in proving how right you are and how wrong your partner is. This is never a good formula. Click here to read this post.

We’re All from Mercury: Beware of conventional beliefs about how men and women communicate differently, which inadvertently causes stereotyping. Click here to read this post.

Misunderstanding: Be realistic about what it takes to have successful communication. True understanding doesn’t come through one conversation. Click here to read this post.

I Stopped Talking and Started Listening: When you think you’ve listened enough, keep listening and asking questions meant to further your understanding. Click here to read this post.

Personal Note:

I’m planning a series of posts later this fall focusing on the basics. If you have thoughts, ideas or suggestions, please write and let me know.

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Dangerous Interpretations

Bob — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 11:13:13 +0000

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I listened to part of Weekend Edition this past Sunday on NPR and heard the letters-to-the-editor segment. Some of the letters referenced a story last weekend about PTSD in military personnel. The letters criticized someone interviewed who used the term, “former veterans.”

On one hand, the term “former veterans” can be somewhat amusing, a slip of the tongue, perhaps. On the other hand apparently it can be construed as a slam against veterans. This was the point of view expressed in the letters to the editor. The writers attributed negative motivation to the interviewee—that to refer to veterans with PTSD as “former” is to negate their status as veterans. I’m not kidding, and I was surprised that NPR chose to read those letters.

I heard the interview in question but do not remember hearing the words “former veterans,” although I do not question the other listeners’ memories. I do, however, question their attribution of motivation. I believe the interviewee made a harmless linguistic error. This person was being interviewed, on the spot if you will. We all make linguistic errors speaking extemporaneously. It is inevitable. To be judged because of these errors is unfair.

There are those with high linguistic sensitivity who go too far in criticizing other’s use of language, especially when the intention really is clear. From the interview, it was clear that the interviewee was not down on soldiers with PTSD. We easily got the gist of what was meant, so to be held hostage for a simple speaking error is unjust.

Use of language is important and we should be careful (without walking on eggshells) about what we say and how we say it. Those who are strong linguistically generally have a better command of language and take great care in the use of words. As I’ve noted in the chapter on the linguistic component in Do You Know What I Mean?(2009), however, one of the potential problems arising from this strength is being overly aggressive with others about their use of language. Doing this can be harmful to relationships and usually causes disruption to true understanding. Surely this is not the intended goal, but is often the net effect.

For those who are linguistically sensitive, it is best to focus on the gist of the communication first, then decide if giving feedback on the use of language will be welcomed and/or helpful. Sometimes inaccurate use of language obscures the true meaning. In that case, again, ask a thoughtful question to make sure you understand what the other person means. That, of course, is the point of communicating—achieving understanding.

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Name Calling

Bob — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 00:56:47 +0000

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What child hasn’t been scolded for calling someone names? They are admonished: That’s not nice. . . . We don’t call others names. . . . Tell him you’re sorry for calling him names. We use these and other familiar phrases to try to teach our children how to behave properly and respectfully in a civil society. Calling others names is character attack. To say, “You are an idiot,” classifies the other, is not specific about your objections/concerns, and invites defensiveness. In short, it is bad communication practice.

Most of us are careful not to do this in the workplace or with friends and acquaintances. We behave with a level of respect and courtesy that is intuitively obvious. We preserve the relationship by finding a respectful way to address problems and concerns (most of the time!).

But at home it is often a different story. Many of us assume we can “let down” at home, be “ourselves” with loved ones, with the result that we say whatever comes to mind. We justify it with a telling it like it is mentality or the moral obligation to be honest. Unfortunately, for many, familiarity lowers their standards—it in fact, does breed contempt.

In many cases, because we know the other so well, we assume we know their intentions. Logically, if we know their intentions and believe their intentions are bad, then we are justified in calling them the names they “deserve.”

From a communication standpoint it is always good practice to make sure you have verified the intentions and motivations of the other. “I know her well enough to know what she means,” isn’t good enough. You better ask her—with sincerity. “What you said really offended and hurt me. Was that your intention?” or “I don’t know where you’re coming from.” These statements do not attack the character of the other person, but offer feedback on the emotional impact and ask for clarification.

“Oh, we are more informal. We don’t talk that way,” you say. Well that’s likely true, but there are many ways to ask for clarification. The Basic and Necessary Communication Skills section of my book, Do You Know What I Mean? offers several different ways to approach this.

As I write this I confess to having a scolding tone. Truth to tell, I am upset about this issue. I hear too many parents and kids and couples calling each other names without being aware of it. I see how desensitized they become and the gradual erosion of good will in family relationships because of it.

I hear on television, radio, and movies the smart-mouth one liners with a laugh track encouraging poor communication—words that are not about achieving understanding but are meant to get the upper hand. Good communication is not about winning, it’s about being effective in achieving understanding, which creates trust and closeness.

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Where Does the Story Begin?

Bob — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:38:14 +0000

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I could be glib and say, “at the beginning,” but that’s the point. Where is the beginning of any story? I spend a lot of time listening to stories that begin with, “Here’s what happened . . .” When two (or more) people are involved, there are usually related but different accounts. Of course, most of us try to establish that our account is the accurate (real) story, and experience tells us that this process generally goes nowhere and continues to breed defensiveness.

Mediation and counseling help individuals to see that each person has a perspective and experiences the situation somewhat, if not vastly, differently. This can be frustrating for the conflicted parties but necessary to constructing a path forward. Helping individuals recognize what the situation looks like from the other’s point of view cuts down on the right/wrong approach to reality. Also, by clarifying motivations and intentions, there is more opportunity to foster understanding. All of this rounds out a fuller picture of what happened. Finally, it brings overlap in the stories and builds common ground.

Recognizing that each person is starting the story from a different point in time often goes unnoticed. Here’s an example: Lily and Brad had an argument about getting the kid’s lunches ready for school. Brad usually does this but asked Lily if she would fill in for him because he had to leave early for work the next day. Lily agreed. In the morning, as Brad was rushing out the door, he made a comment about what he had in mind for the kid’s lunches, which angered Lily. She snipped at him, and Brad left for work unhappy.

When they tried to deconstruct the story later, they got into a predictable argument based on the above facts. Lily talked about Brad blindsiding her at the last minute with expectations when she was doing him a favor. Brad, who thought he was being helpful by suggesting lunch food, believed Lily was not being very grateful.

In counseling, we discovered another layer to the story—where each person located the story in time. Brad’s story began well before he asked Lily to make the lunches. It began with a plan two months earlier about the food budget and how they were going to economize. What he quickly observed on the way out the door that morning disrupted the plan. Lily, on the other hand, started the story two days earlier when she realized how stressed Brad gets when he has a deadline at work and the subsequent impact on the family. Aha.

Clearly Lily and Brad approached the lunch situation in a different context. This is an extremely common occurrence but one we often don’t account for when we are in conflict. As a practical matter, it usually helps to know where your own story surrounding a conflict begins and then perhaps to ask the other person where their story begins. Doing this thoughtfully and carefully provides an opportunity to say “Oh, now I see what you were going through,” which is a good way to begin understanding one another better and establishing a mutual problem-solving platform.

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