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What child hasn’t been scolded for calling someone names? They are admonished: That’s not nice. . . . We don’t call others names. . . . Tell him you’re sorry for calling him names. We use these and other familiar phrases to try to teach our children how to behave properly and respectfully in a civil society. Calling others names is character attack. To say, “You are an idiot,” classifies the other, is not specific about your objections/concerns, and invites defensiveness. In short, it is bad communication practice.

Most of us are careful not to do this in the workplace or with friends and acquaintances. We behave with a level of respect and courtesy that is intuitively obvious. We preserve the relationship by finding a respectful way to address problems and concerns (most of the time!).

But at home it is often a different story. Many of us assume we can “let down” at home, be “ourselves” with loved ones, with the result that we say whatever comes to mind. We justify it with a telling it like it is mentality or the moral obligation to be honest. Unfortunately, for many, familiarity lowers their standards—it in fact, does breed contempt.

In many cases, because we know the other so well, we assume we know their intentions. Logically, if we know their intentions and believe their intentions are bad, then we are justified in calling them the names they “deserve.”

From a communication standpoint it is always good practice to make sure you have verified the intentions and motivations of the other. “I know her well enough to know what she means,” isn’t good enough. You better ask her—with sincerity. “What you said really offended and hurt me. Was that your intention?” or “I don’t know where you’re coming from.” These statements do not attack the character of  the other person, but offer feedback on the emotional impact and ask for clarification.

“Oh, we are more informal. We don’t talk that way,” you say. Well that’s likely true, but there are many ways to ask for clarification. The Basic and Necessary Communication Skills section of my book, Do You Know What I Mean? offers several different ways to approach this.

As I write this I confess to having a scolding tone. Truth to tell, I am upset about this issue. I hear too many parents and kids and couples calling each other names without being aware of it. I see how desensitized they become and the gradual erosion of good will in family relationships because of it.

I hear on television, radio, and movies the smart-mouth one liners with a laugh track encouraging poor communication—words that are not about achieving understanding but are meant to get the upper hand. Good communication is not about winning, it’s about being effective in achieving understanding, which creates trust and closeness.

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“Are you okay?” We all have asked this question many times to many people in our lives. Usually the answer is “I’m okay,” even when the person isn’t really okay. It is meant to reassure us on the one hand and on the other hand to stop the conversation from getting into too much depth.

Why is it so hard to acknowledge not being okay? Perhaps it shows weakness, an inability to cope with life. After all, we must take responsibility for our lives. No one else can. Perhaps it means we are a failure. Everyone else seems okay, so what’s wrong with me?

I imagine times past when life was more communal, when communities were smaller and families were in close proximity—perhaps, even in the same home. People must have noticed when you were not okay. Maybe everyone noticed and it was a matter-of-fact observation. Bob’s wife just had a new baby, that’s three little ones, he looks tired and discouraged. I’ll get some guys together this weekend to help him out.

Nowadays, who notices? We are in our individual homes, often far away from families, coping with our individual lives. We do not have the automatic community for support and understanding. If we are in need we must find a way to acknowledge the need and ask for help. But do we know how?

So often in my counseling practice I hear, “Everyone else seems to be coping just fine. What’s wrong with me?” As if having a difficult time isn’t a normal occurrence and shouldn’t be acknowledged. There is no loss of dignity and no shame struggling within ourselves and with life in general. It is no secret that the biggest struggle we have is with ourselves. No one is immune.

Because we live insular lives with our most immediate family, we must learn how to acknowledge our human struggles openly with extended family and friends. Not indiscriminately, of course, but with those we know will be there for us. We must not be afraid to do this. The circumstances of our lives can get overwhelming, requiring us to seek out others, asking for their support and help. It is part of taking responsibility for ourselves. In fact, it is irresponsible to do otherwise. We owe it to each other.

Communication tip: “I’d really like to talk with you because I’m going through a hard time.”