Thinking Out Loud » emotional validation http://communicationstyles.us/blog Changing your world- one conversation at a time Sat, 19 May 2012 21:04:21 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= Empathy and Sympathy http://communicationstyles.us/blog/empathy-and-sympathy/ http://communicationstyles.us/blog/empathy-and-sympathy/#comments Mon, 08 Nov 2010 17:29:50 +0000 Bob http://communicationstyles.us/blog/?p=368

Professional opera singers have voice coaches and professional baseball players have batting coaches. What they tend to emphasize are the fundamentals, and so it is with practicing good communication.

I spend a good deal of time in the office bringing couples back to the fundamentals. Effective communication is not a fancy process. It requires discipline with some fundamental principles. It starts with establishing a connection. Too often, we assume a connection is established because we already have a relationship with the other person. Although we have a connected relationship, there is still a need to establish a connection to the immediate situation.

What does that mean?

It means that in a personal relationship, when you are being told something that has an emotional charge (even a small emotional charge), it is important to acknowledge the emotional reality of the speaker. Sometimes we call that giving emotional validation. That’s always step one. Validation requires that you show sincere empathy and/or sympathy. To be sympathetic means to demonstrate compassion for another’s trouble. To be empathetic means to project one’s own personality into the personality of another in order to understand him or her better.

Sympathetic statement: “Clearly this is very upsetting to you. It must have been a really rough day.”

Empathetic statement: “I know how distressing it can be to have a friend say something like that, especially someone you’re that close to.”

To be sympathetic or empathetic does not require any problem solving or other demonstration of wisdom. It also does not require agreement with what your friend said or did. Granted it is harder to demonstrate empathy or sympathy if you believe your friend erred in some way. Still you will not be able to satisfactorily discuss the situation in any depth without validation for the suffering of the other person. When there is sincere validation, trust is enhanced.

I’ve written about this topic because it comes up so frequently in different forms. And like the voice coach and the batting coach say, “It’s always about the fundamentals.”

]]> http://communicationstyles.us/blog/empathy-and-sympathy/feed/ 1 The Devil’s Advocate http://communicationstyles.us/blog/the-devil%e2%80%99s-advocate/ http://communicationstyles.us/blog/the-devil%e2%80%99s-advocate/#comments Sun, 11 Jul 2010 00:02:53 +0000 Bob http://communicationstyles.us/blog/?p=222

“Look at it this way…,” or “There are other possibilities…,” or “Look at it from the other side…” Those with a strong logical component to their communication style often play the devil’s advocate. This technique helps them analyze a situation, discover the truth, and solve problems. Their intentions are good and their willingness to help is clear, which demonstrates empathy. However, these are not always apparent to the other party in an intimate relationship and the devil’s advocate technique usually backfires, resulting in an emotional disconnect. Here’s an example:

Jesse: I can’t believe what Joanne said to me at work about our client. She might as well have called me incompetent.

Luke: What exactly did she say?

Jesse: She said the client wondered what I had been working on since our meeting last week.

Luke: Well, maybe she wanted to give you a heads up about the client before your meeting tomorrow.

Jesse: Why are you taking her side?

Luke: I’m not taking her side. I’m just suggesting another possibility.

Jesse: Because you think I’ve been goofing off, too?

Luke: No, I don’t, I just . . .

Jesse is upset about what Joanne said to her at work. When Luke heard what was said, he tried to show Jesse that there are other interpretations for Joanne’s comment: She might have been trying to be helpful—the opposite of what Jesse believed. Luke is a very logical person and needs to analyze situations and enumerate options. He often plays devil’s advocate as a way to more fully explore problems and likes to make an argument in favor of something he doesn’t necessarily believe, as a way to discover new meaning.

The word argument is interesting. An argument between two people implies a heated conflict. To make an argument in favor of something, however, is to fully express the reasons supporting a side of an issue—not in a contentiously, adversarial manner. In the exchange, Luke’s attempt at making an argument gave rise to conflict because Jesse didn’t perceive his intent and believed him to be arguing, not supporting or understanding her distress. Luke didn’t adequately communicate his concern for Jesse’s distress, so being devil’s advocate wasn’t especially effective.

When a loved one is in distress, offering emotional validation and showing direct concern for his or her distress is the first order of business. Without that being clear, any ideas offered run the risk of sounding like criticism. Again, those with a strong logical component enjoy making the argument, playing devil’s advocate, and offering alternative ideas. The intentions are usually good but not easily seen by someone in distress, unless a supportive, emotional connection occurs first.

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