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Establishing a right/wrong framework in interpersonal communication is not likely to bring two people closer together. It is my belief that the goal of getting closer is overarching in personal relationships, even if we are not conscious of it in the moment of a heated discussion.

When I explain this to couples in conflict, they look doubtful, as if to say, “So you’re telling me that this person sitting across from me who is scowling and trying to back me into a corner is actually trying to get closer to me?” It can be a hard sell on my part and truthfully, sometimes the other person is trying to get the better of you. In my experience, however, that is not common.

Most all the time when we tease apart a situation, there is a good intention—a desire to solve a problem and feel emotionally closer—and winning seems like the way to get there. Here’s the logic: I know what’s going on here. I’ve figured it out and if you would just listen to me and trust me we could get somewhere. Obviously you haven’t figured it out, so believe what I’m telling you and the situation will get better. I wouldn’t be saying what I’m saying if I didn’t believe it is right and the best way to solve this problem.

Of course both people are saying the same thing to themselves and both are trying hard to convince the other. In Part 1, I suggest that the first person to recognize the right/wrong discussion pattern should openly acknowledge it and simply stop—damage control. Then you can regroup and be more intentional about listening, understanding, and collaborating.

Implied here is a belief that each person has good intentions, something that’s hard to believe when emotions are high in an intense conflict. I do think it’s the right place to begin and the only way to discover for sure if the other person truly has bad intentions. And if that’s the case, the truth of it will be useful in moving forward—one way or another.

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Interpersonal conflict is often perpetuated by each person trying to convince the other: “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

I’m right, you’re wrong — at first glance this looks like a win/lose proposition, but actually it’s a lose/lose. I’m pretty certain I’ve said to every single couple I’ve ever counseled, “You’re both trying very hard to convince each other that you are right.” Followed by, “When you find yourself in convincing mode, stop the conversation. It’s not going anywhere.” In the counseling office this seems obvious. In the heat of conflict it’s easy to lose sight of this truth.

There is something in us that works overtime to create monologues detailing how right we are — why our perspective is the perspective. Perhaps there is an explanation for this behavior related to our evolutionary psychology. Regardless, it is non-productive in most interpersonal circumstances and usually creates more harm than success.

So, what is the right approach to take?

First, do you really understand what’s important to the other person? If you don’t know the answer to that question, find out. It’s the first order of business and necessary for productive conversation. Ask a good open ended question with the sincere desire to learn something. “I’m not sure I understand what’s really important to you,” is a good way to begin this inquiry.

Second, maybe you do know what’s important to the other person, but you’re afraid to acknowledge it because it will weaken your position. That’s a common pitfall in situations of interpersonal conflict. But validation is important to progressing the conversation. To acknowledge, “Yes, I know you’re angry with me for eavesdropping. I would be too if I were you,” does not diminish you or what is important to you. In fact it helps the other person relax a little because they are reassured you really do understand how they feel. It actually helps them reciprocate. It is not an admission that whatever else you have to say is invalid.

Our feelings are always valid, though our behavior may not be appropriate. Once we’ve established emotional validation it allows us to build on that foundation with other information to create understanding. And that is the goal — to achieve mutual understanding, not to have a winner and a loser.