Thinking Out Loud » authority

Mentoring

Bob — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 20:14:04 +0000

“Question Authority.” Those were the words on the famous bumper sticker that defined the baby boomer generation—my generation. It was clearly meant to be confrontational and a game changer. The purpose was to get the attention of the ruling generation with a strong message: the status quo will not be tolerated. A powerful slogan infused with optimism and idealism and defiance.

The baby boomers did not want to be marginalized. They wanted to be part of the process right now: “Talk to us, person to person. Stop treating us as though we are unimportant.” Baby boomers believed we could change the world.

But how could that have happened? It would have taken an open-minded senior generation, and by and large they were not an open-minded group. They had come thorough great struggles—the depression and World War II. They resented the new generation not having sacrificed anything, while expecting to be included. It didn’t seem just.

We were young and impatient and wanted something—opportunity. It’s what all young people want. Of course, age really has nothing to do with it. We all, regardless of age, want and need opportunity, but opportunity by itself is not enough. It has to be paired with guidance, a tricky almost old-fashioned word, one the older generation liked and that the younger generation thought sounded too controlling and patronizing.

Perhaps a better word is mentoring. The concept of mentoring reaches back to the days of the apprenticeship when you learned at the hands of the master, with promise of a future based on experience and respect. This was a hands-on model, a direct passing on from one generation to the next, which worked in a simpler society where concrete tasks drove the economy. Can it work well in the modern world? It certainly seemed a broken concept during the question authority days.

Because education is so formal today, apprenticeship happens far less than it did. Young people today, however, do need what young people have always needed, both opportunity and mentoring. They go hand in hand. And it is the job of the senior generation of any era to provide this to the younger ones. That doesn’t mean to just hand it over. It means being responsible to the present and the future, while being mindful of the past. It means being both careful and generous.

Most young people beginning an adult life don’t know the ropes. Why would they? They are filled with ideals and ideas. They believe in their future and want to be successful in life. But they need help developing a well-grounded sense of agency. Everyone does.

Mentoring is an attitude that was certainly lost in the rubble of the baby boomer’s coming of age. I do not blame the senior generation for that, any more than I blame us for not doing the same with the next generation that came along. We didn’t receive it and we didn’t give it, for reasons too complex to enumerate here.

Mentoring is not so much a concrete task, the way it was in times past. It’s more subtle, an attitude. It means being on the lookout for the younger ones, remembering what it is like to have bravado and uncertainty living so closely, side by side. It means being generous with time and attention. It means clarity of purpose—I am doing this for the good of one person and all of humanity. Does that sound too dramatic or noble? It is neither. It is practical and kind . . . and is the right thing to do because it is something we all need.

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Just Let Me Do My Job

Bob — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 23:22:55 +0000

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Barry has fifteen years experience in public accounting. He takes pride in his work and likes new challenges. Henry, Barry’s boss, likes to stay connected to his team. He asks questions about how things are going, frequently asks for updates, and is genuinely curious about others. He’ll pop by other’s offices or stop a team member in the hallway to get information about pretty much everything.

Early on in their working relationship, Barry appreciated Henry’s friendliness and attentiveness. In the last few years, however, something has changed and now Barry is easily annoyed by Henry’s questions. Barry feels he’s being micromanaged, that he is being robbed of his sense of agency. Barry likes being given responsibility, figuring out how to organize and accomplish tasks, setting goals, and being independent.

Henry sees himself as a collaborator, involved with team members to help problem-solve, support, and share responsibility. He also feels a responsibility to the organization to have his finger on the pulse, knowing what’s going on in every area of his department.

Recently, Henry became aware of the mounting tension with Barry when Barry spoke sharply about Henry not trusting him. Henry was taken aback because he absolutely trusts Barry. When he tried to follow-up later that day, Barry let loose a barrage of strong feelings about being micromanaged, not trusted, and feeling that Henry didn’t respect the quality of his work. This rift resulted in Henry seeking guidance to open the lines of communication between the two of them.

During conversations with both (both were feeling hurt and saddened by the situation they found themselves in), we began exploring their working styles, which are directly related to their core processing styles and reflected in their individual communication styles. So what does this mean?

Barry visualizes tasks, breaking them down into subtasks that move around in his mind’s eye as he begins organizing the project. It is difficult for him to verbalize this process because it is fluid. Trying to share it (initially) is disruptive. Also he is strongly intrapersonal, so he needs to do a lot of internal sifting through his experience to wrap his arms around the project. His sense of ownership and responsibility for his work are fundamental to his working and organizational style.

Henry has a strong need to stay connected with others as a way of managing. Weaving in and out of each other’s work spaces feels natural to him. It’s how he stays current with new information, so he can plug it into his strongly logical framework. Each new piece of information affects everything. Because he both wants and needs to stay current, he constantly gathers new data, which allows him to anticipate problems and be available for problem solving.

From the descriptions of how Henry and Barry work, think, and communicate it’s easy to see the points of friction and how the tension had grown. This type of misunderstanding of styles often leads to both parties developing beliefs about the other person’s motivation. Barry believed that Henry didn’t trust the quality of his work and therefore didn’t respect him. Henry believed that Barry was trying to undermine his authority in the organization and just plain didn’t like him anymore.

Once we deconstructed their styles, it became increasingly clear that both were attributing incorrect motivation to the other. They were both relieved by this discovery and began building bridges to better account for each other’s needs. Finding ways to keep the lines of communication open, so they could give consistent feedback was essential to continue the successful working relationship they’d had.

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Connecting With Kids

Bob — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:33:44 +0000

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The world of childhood seems far away to some, and yet to others is so accessible. We were all once children, but when we cross the divide into adulthood, our memories reconfigure. For some the connection to childhood, and thus to children is very natural. Others find it foreign and awkward. Connecting to and communicating with kids, and being comfortable in their presence can be confusing.

Here are ten principles to keep in mind when relating to kids.

Remember what it is like being a child: Pick an age. Remember who your teacher was in that grade. How did you feel being around that teacher? What did you like to do when you were playing by yourself or with other kids? Try to listen to your voice. Imagine yourself outside walking up to your house, ready to go inside.
Be curious about what lives in the child’s imagination: Think about a child you know. What do they enjoy doing? Which books do they like? Have they told you about their dreams? What would they like to be when they grow up?
Listen a little bit longer than you think you should: Learning to ask open ended questions, rather than yes/no questions can help. Don’t be afraid of silence (take a deep breath). Share something (briefly) about yourself that relates to the discussion.
Don’t be afraid to answer questions directly: Sometimes this means saying, “I don’t know.” If it’s a question that seems pretty sophisticated for the child, asking how the question came up can help clarify the child’s need. Don’t be afraid to come back to the question after you’ve had the initial discussion to offer further clarity or find out how the child processed your answer.
Don’t be afraid of humor: Be careful of sarcasm, but kids enjoy humor. The friendliness of humor can be relaxing and communicate acceptance.
Think about how the child perceives you: Adults represent authority to kids. Their relationship to the authority figures in their lives will likely carry over to their perception of other adults. Does, or could, the child perceive you as an authority figure? This can strongly influence the child’s comfort level with you.
Think of how you can relate person-to-person: Although you are an authority figure, can you genuinely project a feeling of equality to the child? Can the child sense a feeling of respect and emotional safety when communicating with you?
Consider what your eyes say when you meet and greet the child: How we see other people is reflected in our eyes. Children are very sensitive to this phenomenon. When you are looking at the child, do you see a person or just another kid or a cute little creature?
Let the child know who you are: Are you in the role of adult or are you able to be yourself? Do you project infallibility or another human being with gifts and flaws, clarity and uncertainty? Being real is something kids sense and respect.
Notice what the child is noticing: This is critical, especially for parents, and may be the most important part of parenting. It is part of paying attention—noticing what the child is noticing—and acknowledging that observation. It starts in infancy with comments like, “Oh, you heard that sound, didn’t you. That was the door bell.” Noticing and commenting in this manner maintains the emotional connection with the child and gives them a frame of reference for their observations. Children are in a constant state of making sense of the world around them. It is our job to participate in that task in a thoughtful and sensitive way.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. It is offered to help stimulate your awareness and suggest ways of fostering better communication with kids. It’s always about the relationship, and relationships always challenge us.

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