Thinking Out Loud » attention

Appreciation

Bob — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 21:07:50 +0000

Many, perhaps most, couples at one time or another, struggle with the division of labor in their household. How does it get decided, who does what? Is it fair? Who is better at what tasks—and what if one person is better at doing most things? What value is given to which tasks? How much time does each devote? I’m sure there are more questions, but that’s plenty to make the point.

The point is, there is plenty of work to be done by both people and it takes some organizing and cooperation to make sure everything is accounted for. I have many conversations about the division of labor in my counseling office and have read countless articles on the subject in popular publications. Usually, the conversation is about fairness, how to make requests, and negotiation.

Missing from most discussions is appreciation—how (and how frequently) do you communicate your appreciation for what your partner does? That’s where I like to begin the discussion. Fairness is important, too, but without appreciation you remain invisible—and that just isn’t okay. When you communicate appreciation, you are also giving attention and affection.

Here are some examples:

“Thanks for dinner. Fresh green beans are so good.”
“I don’t know how you juggle everything with all three of our kids going in different directions every day.”
“Thanks for bringing home the bacon. I know it’s a lot of responsibility.”
“The grass looks great.”
“Why don’t you just relax this afternoon—you’ve had a long week and worked around here all morning.”
“Thanks for all the things you do for us.”
“I appreciate you organizing our trip. Making arrangements really isn’t my strong suit.”

Yep, they sound corny and even if you use your own words, they might, but delivered easily and with a smile and a hug, they will sound sincere. We all need attention and affection, and most of us could probably use more than we are getting. Attention and affection are validating—you are being seen and cared about; and it reinforces the connection. When the connection is stronger and appreciation is freely given by both partners, the discussion about division of labor is very different. In fact, sometimes it’s not even necessary.

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Giving Attention

Bob — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 23:01:52 +0000

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My friend Al has a twenty-one-year-old cat. Not many cats live that long. Al has a few cats and takes good care of them. Two of them are pretty young, frisky, and demand attention. As expected, the old cat has become quieter and less active.

Earlier this spring, the old cat seemed to be fading. In fact, he was fading dramatically enough that Al was very close to having him “put down.” Al loves the cat and would wait until it was absolutely necessary before making such a big and painful decision.

Al began focusing consistent attention on the old cat, holding and petting him, as well as talking to him. Over the next few days, the old cat came back to life in pretty full force. He was more active around the house and back to his usual self.

It’s now been two full months since this occurred and the old cat is in good shape, the vet can hardly believe it, and Al is very happy. When Al was telling me the story, he summarized it this way: “The younger cats were getting most of the attention without my realizing it. Once I gave more attention to the old guy, everything changed. And it was pretty distressing to think how close I came to having him put down.”

Most of the time when parents are concerned about one of their kids, the first bit of advice I give is, “Spend a little bit more one-on-one time with your child.” It never hurts and often it helps more than you’d think. Usually this increase in attention results in more physical contact (a recent post discussed the importance of touch) and affection, as well. Giving our direct attention and affection to loved ones is something we should never take for granted. It’s a simple truth, but hard to do in our busy lives.

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Two Stories—Two Pictures

Bob — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 00:33:54 +0000

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Ned is a very active seven year old boy—tireless and constantly in motion. His continuous imaginative play is captivating, both to himself and to anyone watching him. Within a minute of seeing a stick and a piece of crumpled up paper, for example, he has combined them with other objects to form a spaceship that he weaves in and out of many worlds.

Often, though, it is difficult to get Ned’s attention because he is so absorbed in play/thought/imagination. If you ask him a question or give him direction, he’ll respond as though he’s heard you but he doesn’t follow through…or so it seems. When his parents try to talk to Ned about listening and following through, he seems distracted and uncomfortable, and the session often accomplishes little except giving all involved a not-so-healthy level of frustration. Mary and Kevin, Ned’s parents, are concerned that his level of absorption will cause big problems for him at school and beyond.

Mary especially is tireless in her attempts to engage him and help him focus better. As she explored the communication styles framework, she recognized that Ned has a strong visual-spatial and kinesthetic world. He tends to think in pictures and focuses his attention on creating and experiencing. Therefore, using words to connect with him would likely be ineffective.

One day when Ned and Mary were at the park, they watched as two boys, some distance away, played with a ball. When the ball bounced toward them, Ned picked it up and began bouncing it in a pattern relating to the cracks in the pavement. Mary instructed him to return the ball to the boys. Ned replied, “I am.” His mother retorted, “No, you’re not. Give it back now.” The conversation went back and forth like this, and eventually Ned rolled the ball back to the boys.

Then Mary asked him to go sit in a nearby hammock and picture two scenes: the one that just occurred and another where he simply handed the ball back to the boys. Ned sat dreamily in the hammock for about five minutes and then said, “Oh, I get it. I should have given the ball back right away because they were playing a game with it.” Mary saw this as a breakthrough moment, and it was.

Typically in a follow-up discussion of this sort, Ned would defensively explain that he was giving the ball back because, in fact, he was, but it was in a manner that suited him and was not congruent with anyone else’s reality. This time it was different. As Ned tuned into his imaginative world to reflect, he observed his creative process for returning the ball (which he fully intended to do) and observed the scene from the perspective of the two boys. Once he visualized both pictures, he realized what was most important—the right thing to do in this situation. Tapping into Ned’s natural language in the visual-spatial realm gave him an opportunity to connect to a bigger picture and understand what was important to others.

As Mary and I talked about this, we explored the possibility of helping Ned use an imaginary pause button when she’s trying to get his attention. Because the compelling pictures he constantly visualizes makes it hard for him to focus on input from others, learning to press the pause button might help Ned focus on what Mary is saying. It’s an experiment worth trying. Using the communication styles lens often can help us creatively and specifically solve problems.

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Whole to Part or Part to Whole

Bob — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:29:40 +0000

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In my study of learning styles, I came across the whole to part and part to whole concept. As with all learning style paradigms, this has a strong connection to communication styles, and it particularly intrigued me because I could immediately identify with it.

I am a whole-to-part learner: I need to understand the overarching concept before getting the details. Moving in the opposite direction (receiving the details first), leaves me confused and feeling adrift. Those who are part-to-whole learners need to take in the parts that lead to the whole concept they are learning. Being presented with a whole concept first leaves them overwhelmed because the concept seems arbitrary.

I often want to know what a movie or book is all about before encountering it. I don’t mind hearing how it ends . . . in fact, I want to know the ending so I have an organizing concept and will often read the last part of a book first. The unfolding process is essential for those moving from part to whole and provides much enjoyment. Knowing the punch line from the start spoils the fun.

How does all of this relate to communication styles? Here’s an illustration: Julia is a very active, hands-on sixteen-year-old. She loves sports, doesn’t like to read, has a strong work ethic, is good with people, and is distractible. Because of the distractibility, her parents and teachers are always trying to get her attention, which they do by explaining things step by step. This seems logical—and it is—but it doesn’t work with Julia because she is a whole-to-part learner. She needs the punch line first and not work toward it.

Saying, for example, “Julia, this is probably the biggest event of the year for your mother, so we really need your help” gets her attention. Giving her a specific task to do (“Julia, we’d like you to tidy up the patio and then pick up some stuff in town.”) doesn’t. This approach is specific and incremental, which can help some who are easily distracted, but for a whole-to-part person like Julia, the requests seem random. Getting Julia’s attention by giving her the bottom line—the larger concept—first is more effective. She needs to know what this is all about before she can get connected to it.

The whole-to-part and part-to-whole axis is another tool for achieving effective communication that I’ve shared with many parents, couples, and business leaders who have found it useful. As always, though, it is best to understand how it works for you before applying it to others in your relational world.

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Helping Kids With Transitions

Bob — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 20:22:00 +0000

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It seems common sense to be direct in communication with others, asking clear questions and responding to what is said in a straightforward manner. In adult relationships we expect this, and in adult/child relationships we aspire to this.

Sometimes, however, it just isn’t effective with kids, especially during transitions. Transitions occur constantly. For example: “It’s time to wash your hands because supper is ready,” or “Remember, your room has to be cleaned up before you can go outside.” These types of situations involve parents giving kids direction to do this or that when the child is already doing something else. Transitioning from one activity to another often causes conflict.

So, how do you minimize conflict? The general rule of thumb is to make sure you have the child’s attention and then give a time frame to work with. For example, you walk to where the child is playing, make sure you have eye contact, and say, “In five minutes it will be time for supper, so finish up your play and wash your hands.”

Many kids can handle this, with perhaps another reminder, but some kids have trouble shifting gears. Being clear about your expectations and precise in your communication does not guarantee a successful outcome. Moving from one activity to another is internally complicated for kids. It’s called shifting cognitive sets. That sounds like fancy terminology for something so ordinary, but it is a very accurate description for what must occur for the child to comply with your request. A lot of brain activity has to synchronize to accomplish the goal. Because many children can do this automatically, we expect it to be simple for everyone.

For the kids who have trouble making these transitions, it is sometimes better to be more indirect. Here are ways to approach this:

“Can you smell what’s cooking in the kitchen? It’s hamburgers. They’re just about ready. Would you like ketchup? I’ll come back in a few minutes to get you started washing your hands.”

“I just remembered that your room needs tidying up. I’ll help you get started after I put the lawnmower in the garage. You can come with me if you want to.”

“I love the picture you’re making. Tell me all about it at the kitchen table. Why don’t you bring it over here so we can see it in the kitchen.”

These are examples of using language to help the child move from one activity to another. Language is structure. So structuring language helps to create a story the child can connect to. Children often need more time than we think to organize their mental space, some kids really struggle and need our help. Being indirect with different types of cues (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, etc.) can help the child internally reorient to a new direction.

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