Thinking Out Loud » affection

Appreciation

Bob — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 21:07:50 +0000

Many, perhaps most, couples at one time or another, struggle with the division of labor in their household. How does it get decided, who does what? Is it fair? Who is better at what tasks—and what if one person is better at doing most things? What value is given to which tasks? How much time does each devote? I’m sure there are more questions, but that’s plenty to make the point.

The point is, there is plenty of work to be done by both people and it takes some organizing and cooperation to make sure everything is accounted for. I have many conversations about the division of labor in my counseling office and have read countless articles on the subject in popular publications. Usually, the conversation is about fairness, how to make requests, and negotiation.

Missing from most discussions is appreciation—how (and how frequently) do you communicate your appreciation for what your partner does? That’s where I like to begin the discussion. Fairness is important, too, but without appreciation you remain invisible—and that just isn’t okay. When you communicate appreciation, you are also giving attention and affection.

Here are some examples:

“Thanks for dinner. Fresh green beans are so good.”
“I don’t know how you juggle everything with all three of our kids going in different directions every day.”
“Thanks for bringing home the bacon. I know it’s a lot of responsibility.”
“The grass looks great.”
“Why don’t you just relax this afternoon—you’ve had a long week and worked around here all morning.”
“Thanks for all the things you do for us.”
“I appreciate you organizing our trip. Making arrangements really isn’t my strong suit.”

Yep, they sound corny and even if you use your own words, they might, but delivered easily and with a smile and a hug, they will sound sincere. We all need attention and affection, and most of us could probably use more than we are getting. Attention and affection are validating—you are being seen and cared about; and it reinforces the connection. When the connection is stronger and appreciation is freely given by both partners, the discussion about division of labor is very different. In fact, sometimes it’s not even necessary.

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Giving Attention

Bob — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 23:01:52 +0000

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My friend Al has a twenty-one-year-old cat. Not many cats live that long. Al has a few cats and takes good care of them. Two of them are pretty young, frisky, and demand attention. As expected, the old cat has become quieter and less active.

Earlier this spring, the old cat seemed to be fading. In fact, he was fading dramatically enough that Al was very close to having him “put down.” Al loves the cat and would wait until it was absolutely necessary before making such a big and painful decision.

Al began focusing consistent attention on the old cat, holding and petting him, as well as talking to him. Over the next few days, the old cat came back to life in pretty full force. He was more active around the house and back to his usual self.

It’s now been two full months since this occurred and the old cat is in good shape, the vet can hardly believe it, and Al is very happy. When Al was telling me the story, he summarized it this way: “The younger cats were getting most of the attention without my realizing it. Once I gave more attention to the old guy, everything changed. And it was pretty distressing to think how close I came to having him put down.”

Most of the time when parents are concerned about one of their kids, the first bit of advice I give is, “Spend a little bit more one-on-one time with your child.” It never hurts and often it helps more than you’d think. Usually this increase in attention results in more physical contact (a recent post discussed the importance of touch) and affection, as well. Giving our direct attention and affection to loved ones is something we should never take for granted. It’s a simple truth, but hard to do in our busy lives.

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Touch

Bob — Sat, 22 May 2010 23:01:29 +0000

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As a young child, my grandfather would often greet me with outstretched arms—a welcoming and warm expression of his love and acceptance. But before giving me a hug, his hands would cradle my jaw, one hand on each side, firmly holding my head. Then I would collapse into his legs where he would envelope me and say in his Armenian accent, “How is the Bob?”

I have done the same with my grandchildren. Yet, I wonder at what age this will feel uncomfortable to them. When will they outgrow this type of physical contact and feel too mature to accept it? I lament that we ever outgrow this kind of affection, for I still feel the impulse with my closest loved ones—my wife, our children, brothers, nephews, nieces, and in-laws.

In the Armenian American community where I grew up, cradling the face was common among people of all ages. Cultural differences in expressing affection don’t easily translate, just like many words can’t literally be translated. What does it mean to have this kind of physical contact?

It expresses the nature of the relationship, the bond of family (whether by blood or choice), and undying affection. We are one. We are inseparable by geography. We touch the faces of those who are emotionally and spiritually closest to us. This behavior is about utter devotion. It is not like a hug or grasping the shoulders of a friend. It is more intimate than a kiss on the cheek. It reaches us in a deeper place.

Touch is powerful—more powerful than we often imagine. I still remember a time in college when I was touched on the arm by a faculty member during my internship at the university counseling center. One day, I was standing in the hallway looking out a window near his office, as he was hustling by. In that moment, as he stepped into his office, he put his hand on my upper arm, squeezed gently, and said, “How you doing?” I can still feel the sensation on my arm and the feeling inside me forty years later. He touched a place in me, communicating something kinesthetically that moved me.

Touch is not an auxiliary form of communication meant to enhance words. It is primary and can result in immediate changes in how we think and behave. Couples who touch more tend to have higher relationship satisfaction. Children receive touch as the first form of communication in their lives. Yet the amount of touch we receive as we grow older diminishes, often dramatically.

Touching is a complicated matter in our current culture. So often we are afraid to touch one another, yet it is natural; and I hope the grandchildren will continue to accept the old country legacy of cradling the face. Perhaps as I grow older they will indulge me and continue to intuitively/kinesthetically understand my love and devotion without embarrassment.

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