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Mentoring comes up in my thoughts and conversation frequently these days. Of course at my age and stage of career that’s part of what happens: I have over thirty-five years of accumulated experience and knowledge and enjoy passing along what I’ve distilled. My past writing on this subject was about how hard it is to develop mentoring relationships in the workplace because of the rapid turnover of personnel, the culture gap between generations, and how older folks need to work longer and are protective of their jobs and know how (now called “intellectual capital”).

Recently, I’ve observed another obstacle to developing mentoring relationships: our easy access to information. An increasing percentage of the workforce has grown up in the information age and automatically uses technology to find instant answers to questions and resources on topics of interest. In so many ways this is marvelous. Do a topic search for “organizational skills for teachers,” for example, and see what happens. No, you don’t need to because you know you will get page after page of references that will eventually lead you to solid and helpful information.

How is this different from walking down the hall to Master Teacher Beth and discussing your organizational challenges with her? “But why would I do that,” you might ask, “when I can get the benefit of dozens of Beths by going to the internet?” It’s a good question and my answer is why not do both, although to do the latter might make you appear vulnerable (you think), admitting that you are uncertain just when you’re trying to prove yourself and demonstrate competence and mastery.

So what is it that you can get from Beth that you can’t get from the internet?  You may get more information from the internet than you will from Beth, but you won’t get the relationship. And part of what’s important is the relationship. Someone who might care about you, look out for you, take you aside and challenge you when you need it, offer a piece of advice at the right time, and share the process with you. . . .

What process? you ask. That’s a difficult question to answer because there is no one process, but some process does exist when one applies information. The specific process for each of us varies, at least some, and we each need to discover how to mesh our own internal process with the external structure in our work. In other words, we need to accommodate the body of knowledge inherent in the discipline of the work with our individual/personal way of working. Good mentors understand this and can offer guidance at the right time because they recognize the complexity of process and that timing is everything—and that’s where the relationship comes in. Receiving information from an impersonal stranger—and as good as the information gotten via the internet may be, it’s still impersonal—may not be helpful. A mentor, however, understands the specific concept of the workplace process, and as he or she gets to know the mentee can offer guidance, personal experience, wisdom, and other resources. The mentor has been there and can put into context all the pieces—the required information, the level of development of the mentee, and the desired goal—while accounting for the mentee’s own discovery process.

Mentoring is both art and science. It combines the tools of the trade with experience, while developing a meaningful and useful relationship. Mentors, of course, must guard against the desire to create a clone (immortality?), thereby not recognizing the uniqueness of the mentee. Mentoring must always be about the mentee and what’s needed in his or her development.  The value of thoughtfully offering guidance, which results in the growth of another person and contributing to the greater good are reward enough.

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Most of us don’t associate communication with Father’s Day.  But fathers do communicate whether or not they use many words.  Do you really talk to your father?  Does your father really talk to you?  Mine mostly talked at me and wanted me to talk more to him, which meant tell him what he wanted to hear.

My father was frustrated with his three sons.  He wanted at least one of us to think like him and behave accordingly.  None of us did. We each tried in our own way to talk with him, but he really didn’t want to hear what we had to say because it wasn’t in line with his ideas and world view.

In his later years, I could see how his disappointment in us created confusion for him.  He just couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t see the wisdom of his ways, which eventually made him question that very wisdom.  He became increasingly isolated during those last years.  It was a sad sight.

On one of my visits a couple of years before his death, I sat with him in the living room while he talked at me.  I was determined to be patient and let him talk as much as he wished.  Twelve hours later, it was bed time.  He talked and talked and talked.  I sat with him through two meals and the rest of the time I sat on the couch across from his recliner.  He nodded off briefly on a few occasions, but within a couple of minutes he was back at it.

He required nothing of me in the way of responding.  I said a lot of uh-huhs, yeahs, huumms, along with some questions to clarify; and occasionally I was genuinely curious about something and wanted to know more.  Usually I didn’t find out exactly what I wanted to know because he just wanted to talk.  So I let him.  It was a combination of genuine patience on my part and a desire to give him my attention, as well as a curiosity (maybe a little perverse?).

When it was time for me to leave, my father expressed regret that we didn’t have more time to talk.  I know—it’s hard to believe.  But he wanted something else that he didn’t know how to get.  He didn’t know how to connect, how to share his true emotions, how to ask me about myself—my hopes, struggles, dreams.

Over the years when I attempted to share more of my inner self, he was uncomfortable, dismissive or just thought I was ridiculous.  Needless to say, my attempts had larger spaces between them over time.

When I became a father, I was very determined to talk with my son, not at him.  I listened, asked questions to understand and spent time with him doing many ordinary things during his growing up.  Now that he is an adult, the conversation continues.  Today, Father’s Day, we talked for an hour.  We discussed our jobs, reminisced about past Father’s Days, got caught up on various family members, discussed politics, and shared our aspirations.  It’s not uncommon for us to have these conversations on other days, too.

Having the relationship I have with my son is one of the most important things in my life.  On Father’s Day and every day I am so grateful that I can have real conversations with my son.  I know I’ll have other regrets in my life, but that won’t be one of them.

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I’ve been asked to write a piece on cursing and find it difficult. Cursing occurs for many reasons, and certain words can be used in different contexts and so have different meanings or impact.

Cursing is often used as humor to lighten a difficult situation . . . and is often used for insult. Cursing is seen as hip by some . . . and as “low class” by others—in both cases, depending on the circumstances.

In a particular family, specific curse words can have their own connotations and be part of the culture of that clan. In other families, one simply doesn’t curse because “it’s not what we do.”

There are categories of curse words, too. Some with a low impact are used on news programs and in “polite society.” These are the words that your grandmother wouldn’t flinch at—although there are grandmothers who curse a blue streak. Moving up the impact scale, other more edgy words are considered acceptable among friends; though you might not use them with people you don’t really know very well. Finally, the heavy duty curse words are used by the most brash, often with force—gusto or anger or bravado. These are the words most people wouldn’t say except in more extreme circumstances, yet some do use them in everyday speech in most any circumstance.

It’s hard to take a moral stand against cursing because it borders on censorship, and in some way or manner likely most of us do curse. Yet truly overt cursing is offensive and inappropriate in certain circumstances where it clearly demonstrates a lack of respect. But what are these situations? Some are obvious but many simply are not and often there is a fine line.

What all this boils down to is the importance of keeping aware of the impact of your words on others, especially if you expect to have meaningful communication. To speak without mindfulness is irresponsible and disrespectful. We must care how others are affected by us even when we still choose to act in whatever way we deem fit. But if I am offended by your choice of words and therefore find it hard to listen to you, then we are not likely to understand one another. This may not matter to you as much as what you feel is your right to speak in whatever manner suits you. Your choice.

Both your right to freely express yourself and the words you use do matter. In the development of a relationship, being understood is necessary, and self-expression at the expense of the relationship is probably not worth it most of the time. For the most part, curse words themselves are not what transmits meaning; it’s the emotion behind the words and that you choose to use them. And that can be a powerful message. Though self-expression can feel personally satisfying, my hunch is that it doesn’t have a very long shelf life.

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“Question Authority.” Those were the words on the famous bumper sticker that defined the baby boomer generation—my generation. It was clearly meant to be confrontational and a game changer. The purpose was to get the attention of the ruling generation with a strong message: the status quo will not be tolerated. A powerful slogan infused with optimism and idealism and defiance.

The baby boomers did not want to be marginalized. They wanted to be part of the process right now: “Talk to us, person to person. Stop treating us as though we are unimportant.” Baby boomers believed we could change the world.

But how could that have happened? It would have taken an open-minded senior generation, and by and large they were not an open-minded group. They had come thorough great struggles—the depression and World War II. They resented the new generation not having sacrificed anything, while expecting to be included. It didn’t seem just.

We were young and impatient and wanted something—opportunity. It’s what all young people want. Of course, age really has nothing to do with it. We all, regardless of age, want and need opportunity, but opportunity by itself is not enough. It has to be paired with guidance, a tricky almost old-fashioned word, one the older generation liked and that the younger generation thought sounded too controlling and patronizing.

Perhaps a better word is mentoring. The concept of mentoring reaches back to the days of the apprenticeship when you learned at the hands of the master, with promise of a future based on experience and respect. This was a hands-on model, a direct passing on from one generation to the next, which worked in a simpler society where concrete tasks drove the economy. Can it work well in the modern world? It certainly seemed a broken concept during the question authority days.

Because education is so formal today, apprenticeship happens far less than it did. Young people today, however, do need what young people have always needed, both opportunity and mentoring. They go hand in hand. And it is the job of the senior generation of any era to provide this to the younger ones. That doesn’t mean to just hand it over. It means being responsible to the present and the future, while being mindful of the past. It means being both careful and generous.

Most young people beginning an adult life don’t know the ropes. Why would they? They are filled with ideals and ideas. They believe in their future and want to be successful in life. But they need help developing a well-grounded sense of agency. Everyone does.

Mentoring is an attitude that was certainly lost in the rubble of the baby boomer’s coming of age. I do not blame the senior generation for that, any more than I blame us for not doing the same with the next generation that came along. We didn’t receive it and we didn’t give it, for reasons too complex to enumerate here.

Mentoring is not so much a concrete task, the way it was in times past. It’s more subtle, an attitude. It means being on the lookout for the younger ones, remembering what it is like to have bravado and uncertainty living so closely, side by side. It means being generous with time and attention. It means clarity of purpose—I am doing this for the good of one person and all of humanity. Does that sound too dramatic or noble? It is neither. It is practical and kind . . . and is the right thing to do because it is something we all need.

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Getting a phone call used to be a pretty big deal—and if it was long distance, that was a really big deal. On a long distance call in the 50s and 60s, you found out what you needed to know in a hurry and got off the phone. It was expensive. Local calling was inexpensive but still not something used for idle chit chat, although increasingly that did become the case.

If you got a call or a letter or the rare telegram, you were sure to reply. To do otherwise, would be rude. Even with the advent of answering machines, a message required a response at your earliest convenience. These were the unspoken rules of the communication highway.

Today it is different. A call or email does not necessarily require a response, nor does a message on your Facebook wall. So how do you know when to reply or when not to reply? Young people seem comfortable with whatever the unspoken protocol is. Older people (like me) are not sure; we reply to everything. Younger folks think we’re quaint.

To answer or not: I find it confusing. If you don’t get a response, how do you know if your message was received? Well, if it’s an email, you can request a receipt, which apparently even in business isn’t done often. I’ve never seen anyone request it with a personal email and understand it’s considered aggressive or obsessive. Since I don’t want to be perceived as either, I don’t request one.

The volume of calls, emails, and text messages many people receive is likely a contributing factor. Some receive hundreds daily—I’ve heard of thousands but find it difficult to believe. It’s a little like conceptualizing two trillion dollars.

I suspect most people operate with a triage mentality: Is it a message that absolutely requires a response? How important is it that I respond before next week? What will the impact be if I do not acknowledge receipt of the message? The decision made in an intuitive nanosecond.

In the business world these days it’s increasingly rare for someone to have support staff regardless of how high or low they are on the corporate ladder. The laptop and cell phone provide personal secretarial services, so there is no buffer or organizer or helper to return calls or type notes and letters. It’s all on the shoulders of the individual, which causes enormous stress in the workplace. Workers spend longer hours outside the traditional workday just to keep up.

Kids are enormously distracted by the volume of text messages, emails and other contact possibilities—checking and rechecking to see if there is any new message. Along with video games and television, communication devices provide more avenues for addictions . . . or at best just constant distractions.

I’m left being confused about what it means when someone doesn’t reply to a message I’ve sent. How soon do I follow-up? Do I follow up at all?  Maybe I should just chill and see what happens. When it comes to communication, however, because it’s my “thing,” I naturally take it seriously. So, I’ll just keep wondering and working hard to respond to every communication that comes my way—except junk mail, of course.

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Like so many, I have been critical of the President for not being more aggressive in his rhetoric against those who attack him and his policies. I’ve wondered why he doesn’t hit back. Why does he literally turn to the other cheek?

I am one who believes in the importance of thoughtful, civil, honest communication. I work at it all the time, coaching and encouraging others to do the same. I preach against name calling and characterizing others. And yet (at times) I get frustrated with the President for not lashing out.

Right now (January 11, 2011) I’ve just finished listening to the President’s speech at the University of Tucson—talking to the nation about the tragedy that occurred last Saturday. He spoke healing words, honest words encouraging all of us to truly do our best for and with one another—not to blame and use this opportunity to create more divisions in our nation.

This speech helped me to better understand the President. He will not attack others. He knows it’s wrong and will not do it under any circumstance. I’ve wanted him to act more like a “politician” and counter attack those who attack him. But he will not do this because it would mean sacrificing his personal integrity. He vowed to bring more civility and honesty to the White House.

But sometimes I want him to be mean, to fight. Right now I’m ashamed to admit it, though I wasn’t ashamed before I heard his speech. Now I better understand where he is coming from. He might compromise on policies and positions, but he will not compromise his personal principles about how we treat each other.

Of course he is right about this, whatever you think of his ideas and policies and politics. The example he is setting in his personal conduct may be the most important thing we get from him. At a time like this where this is so much division and vitriol, this is just what we need.

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A common perception is that women have a positive association to relationship talk and men don’t—that women feel better connected through relationship talk, whereas men are distressed by it and tend to feel criticized. I think this is another myth perpetuated in the popular culture, based on stereotyping and misunderstanding of individual communication styles. I’ve written about this before and suspect I’ll continue to write about it from time to time because it’s a complex and confusing topic, simply because humans are complex and confusing. No one has quite figured us out yet. So when you put two of us together in an intimate relationship, it’s bound to be . . . confusing.

So, let me be clear and definitive about one thing: There is no general female or male communication style. There are plenty of women who find it very difficult to discuss relationship issues and there are many men who wish their female partner would be more open to discussing them. Also, there are as many communication styles as there are individuals. Those styles are influenced by personal history, culture, and how each of us is wired. How we are wired gets to the heart of the model I presented in Do You Know What I Mean?—Discovering Your Personal Communication Style, published in 2009.

The book has a thorough discussion of the seven communication components that come together uniquely for each of us. Through an understanding of this process, individuals (men and women) can learn about their communication strengths and challenges and how to use them to develop communication skills and solve problems in relational communication. This problem solving is based on an understanding of the actual processing strengths and challenges of each individual, not on the so-called “issues” of gender.

Our sex does not predetermine our communication proclivities. Our willingness to understand the communication process and improve our skills, as individuals, is what’s important. Better to avoid the stereotypes and take personal responsibility for how we relate to one another, person to person.

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When communication breaks down, you must try to fix it; but when things go badly, it is very difficult to go back and risk the same breakdown. If you revisit the problem at hand, you must be prepared to do something different. Too often, the revisiting is done by restating what you already said, which will likely result in the other party restating what they already said. Then, it’s strike two.

Revisiting requires a different approach and must start by getting in a calmer emotional state. This can take time. If you don’t take the time to do this, you won’t be able to sort out your thoughts and feelings thoroughly enough. When we are in a heightened emotional state, our stress hormones supercharge our emotions, which often interfere with cognition. Calming is the first order of business for both parties involved. Before beginning again, make sure the other person is also prepared to follow up on the discussion, which might mean a longer wait than you’d like.

Next, it is best to talk about what just happened to you. It’s the “to you” part that is essential. You have to understand what you went through in the earlier conversation: what you were trying to accomplish, what you felt, what you regret about your own behavior, and what you ended up believing about the other person. This is particularly tricky because you must let the other person know you are giving them the benefit of the doubt (for now).

How do you do this? Here’s an example: “John, I’ve been trying to understand what was really important to me in the discussion about our household budget. I know I got really upset and said things that were out of line. I regret that and want to apologize for calling you ignorant and selfish.” Be careful here; we’re not agreeing with John’s point of view or implying that he did everything correctly. It’s just not helpful to characterize or criticize, even if the other may have done something wrong. To continue with our example: “I really want to discuss our finances in a collaborative way so that we’re both in this together [this states intention]. Let me tell you what happened to me in the conversation, and then I’d also like to know what happened for you . . .”

When you tell the other person what you went through in the difficult conversation, you are telling a story, your story. It’s about you, and you have to make that clear; you are not the keeper of truth in the objective sense. You are only the keeper of your own truth and can only tell the other what happened to you. In telling your story, you will also be informing the other person about what you came to believe as a result of the poor interaction between you. In this example, it might be something like this: “So, John, when you were trying to explain the organization of the budget, I felt belittled, as though [benefit of the doubt] you thought I was stupid and don’t understand the structure of budgeting. That’s why I got so angry and called you names.”

Clearly, John has to be patient and understand that you are telling your story and that he, too, will have a chance to tell you what he went through. It is not a time for John to defend himself because he is not being attacked. He is being told what you believed because of the poor interaction. Until you can clarify your reality (story) so the other person knows why things broke down, you can’t get back to the content. When you understand the good intentions of the other and what each of you went through the last time, you have a much better opportunity to have a successful exchange.

Finally, it is a mistake to think you can have a thorough discussion about something of substance quickly and easily. Regardless of your ability to use good communication skills, it always takes more time than you think. If there is a communication breakdown and you have the ability to revisit the topic successfully, that’s a great outcome. I often say to couples, “So what if you have to revisit an important topic twenty-five times, each time getting it a little better, and you ultimately have a good outcome and repair the hurts along the way?” I call that success.

Revisiting Summary

1. Take a time-out and calm yourself.
2. Find out if the other person is prepared to continue the discussion in a different frame of mind and emotion. It takes as long as it takes.
3. State your intent. Say, for example, “That didn’t go very well. I’d like to find a way for us each to better understand what’s important.”
4. Express regrets. For example, “I wish I hadn’t said . . .”
5. Tell your stories. For example, “This is what I went through . . .,” and highlight your beliefs. Give the other person time and space without interruption. This is not a fact-based discussion. It is meant to let you know what the other experienced so you can improve the interaction as you get back to the content.
6. Return to the content with more patience and understanding in a give-and-take discussion.

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“You mean, you want me to treat you like the man on the street?” That’s a quote from a wife to a husband in a counseling session. Her husband’s reply was, “Well, yes.” Then there was a long silence while this statement settled in with all of us. I spoke next, “What does it mean to be treated like the man on the street?”

The husband then explained. Paraphrased, it went something like this.

• You greet him warmly.

• You treat him with respect, even when you disagree.

• You give him the benefit of the doubt—that his intentions are good.

• You ask him questions meant to draw out his thoughts and feelings.

• You ask for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions.

• You share the space in a give and take manner.

• You leave the encounter with a virtual tip of the hat.

Of course we don’t have as complex a relationship with the man on the street as we do with the man (or woman) we live with. In fact, our behavior tends to get sloppy around those with whom we are most familiar, so it may be hard to live by the above creed at home. Still, it’s hard not to see the common sense and wisdom in these principles.

After some discussion, it was easy for this couple to agree that they should be treating each other like the proverbial man (or woman) on the street. Although a simple, common sense idea, it was not always easy for them to employ it during a heated exchange. However, when revisiting a difficult issue, they could recalibrate and use these guiding principles to help them better navigate the conflict.

You cannot have effective communication without demonstrating mutual respect, and you do not have to agree with the other person to show respect. This is as basic as it gets. Think about it—if you are in a heated conflict, does the situation ever improve without one or both people coming from a place of respect for the other?

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Recently I posted a piece titled “Appreciation.” I almost didn’t write it because I thought it might be trite—so obvious that readers would be bored. Well, I’m glad I did write it because it brought more enthusiastic response than any other piece posted this past year.

“Appreciation” focused on something simple and fundamental—direct expression of appreciation to your partner for the things they do that you genuinely appreciate. Like all fundamentals, when practiced consistently it brings good results. This is true in music and sports, as well: the great opera singers and baseball hitters all have coaches whose job it is to keep them focused on the fundamentals, not the fancy stuff.

Couples in counseling often believe that they must solve deep problems if they want to successfully save their marriage. Although deep problems may be there, the basics provide a path to solving them. You can’t argue your way to success or cajole the other to change their behavior, and if you wait for the other person to change spontaneously as a demonstration of love or test them to prove their love, . . . well, dream on. Those tactics just don’t work.

Focusing on the basics, however, is a clear, concrete, and doable means for most of us if we are willing to try, and when we do try, our partner experiences our intentions and effort, which does change the emotional climate. This genuine effort in and of itself makes a big difference.

What are the basics? There is no comprehensive list and I’m reluctant to offer one for fear of creating a misleading formula. Essentially the basics are less a how-to than about intentions, effort, and common sense practiced consistently. I’ve reviewed the past year’s posts at “Thinking Out Loud,” to focus on some of the basics I think are important. Here’s a summary:

Appreciation: Expressing gratitude for the day-to-day things your partner does for you and others. Click here to read this post.

The Five Percent Rule: Although you know a great deal about your spouse, you will never know everything. Stay open-minded and interested in learning and understanding more. Click here to read this post.

I’m Right, You’re Wrong: It’s so easy to get caught up in proving how right you are and how wrong your partner is. This is never a good formula. Click here to read this post.

We’re All from Mercury: Beware of conventional beliefs about how men and women communicate differently, which inadvertently causes stereotyping. Click here to read this post.

Misunderstanding: Be realistic about what it takes to have successful communication. True understanding doesn’t come through one conversation. Click here to read this post.

I Stopped Talking and Started Listening: When you think you’ve listened enough, keep listening and asking questions meant to further your understanding. Click here to read this post.

Personal Note:

I’m planning a series of posts later this fall focusing on the basics. If you have thoughts, ideas or suggestions, please write and let me know.