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I had a conversation with a friend recently about watching professional baseball games. My friend, Lou, said “I can’t stand all the spitting. That’s all I see is constant spitting. Doesn’t that bother you?” My answer was simple, “No.”

When I watch a baseball game, I’m focused on the stance of the batter and how that reflects his concentration and level of anxiety as he anticipates the type of pitch he’ll get from the pitcher. At the same time, I’m intrigued by the thought process and body mechanics of the pitcher as he works with the catcher to establish which pitch he’s going to throw and where he’s going to throw it. Finally, I’m watching how the umpire positions himself to make an accurate call. And all of that tunes me into the emotions of each person, as best as I can connect (interpersonally) to them. I am absorbed by all these factors that communicate a richness I enjoy. The spitting gets very little of my attention.

Although our interests, history, and age influence what we like or don’t like to watch on television, our processing mechanisms and sensitivities also play a role. I’m naturally attuned to the interpersonal and kinesthetic elements, which is reflected in the above description of how I watch a baseball game.

As individauls, our focus is based more on how we process information and the type of natural awareness we possess—how we are wired—and it really is different for each of us.

Lou is very strong kinesthetically but in a much more sensory way. And he is highly intrapersonally attuned. None of this has any bearing on whether or not he enjoys baseball, but it does influence how he experiences the game on TV. He can’t stand the spitting. It physically grosses him out. I see it, but it just doesn’t effect me.

Lou also doesn’t like watching hospital dramas on television. He directly experiences the anxiety of the characters, which is upsetting and emotionally exhausting. I am thoroughly absorbed by the relationships between the characters, trying to anticipate how the relationships will unfold and how they will resolve the conflict they are experiencing.

I could tell Lou that it’s all make-believe and that he shouldn’t get so upset, but that isn’t really very understanding and it wouldn’t work anyway. He knows it’s “only a show.” He could tell me that I’m insensitive and criticize me for watching something so harsh, but that’s not a fair understanding either.

Understanding that we all process information (communication) differently encourages genuine curiosity, where we ask thoughtful, respectful questions and take care not to make assumptions about other peoples experience.

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I’m very aware of time. What time it is, how long something will take, the number of days before an event. I look at my appointment book several times a day, making, changing, and remembering when I have appointments and mapping out the time-flow. I’m also the kind of person who gets ready and shows up very early for appointments and events. I began doing this as a child. Keeping accurate time playing a musical instrument, however, has always been challenging, and although I’ve done a lot of organized singing as an adult, my timing skills with music remain weak.

My time estimation skills are also weak. I frequently err in determining how long an activity will take. Left on my own, I will calculate three activities taking a total of two hours, when in reality they take five or six hours. Likewise, I can overestimate: planning several hours for something that takes barely one. So, I’ve learned to ask others for feedback as part of my planning efforts.

My interpersonal timing skills, however, are strong. I innately sense what to say when, which fosters clearer communication and greater understanding.  I’m not talking about the art of making good conversation. I mean the way of listening and feeling the rhythm of the conversation, knowing when to ask a question and when to be silent, naturally modulating my voice and creating an emotionally safe environment. The timing involved in each of these “activities” comes naturally, although having over 30,000 hours of office counseling “practice” helps.

Timing and time, related but different—a strength, a weakness. Our human capacities have different dimensions. In one way they can work smoothly, efficiently and effectively.  In another way they can be erratic, out of synch, and cause problems. As I continue to observe and study the details of how we interact with ourselves and others, I am amazed at the nuances of our capacities and how paradoxical they can appear.

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“I don’t care.”  I used to say this quite a lot but stopped once I realized the impact it has on many people. The truth is I really don’t care about a lot of things. For example, if you ask me if I prefer having one thing or another to eat, I am likely to be content with either. To someone with definite preferences about food, that may be hard to accept, let alone understand.

On a free day when there are no particular plans, if I’m asked what I’d like to do, once again I’m likely to say, “I don’t care.” I understand it’s hard to accept this, too. I’ve often had the response, “How could you not care?” or “Are you just saying that so you don’t disappoint me?” Often I’m happy to do whatever comes along or is of interest to the other person I’m spending time with. But saying, “I don’t care,” really sounds bad. It can seem apathetic or that I’m not really invested in the relationship with the other person. Another way of saying this is, “It doesn’t matter,” which is equally bad. Choice of words matter and explaining what you mean matters a lot.

So, I’ve learned to say (when I don’t care what I eat), “I could be happy with just about anything. Is there something that sounds particularly good to you?” When I say it like this, I’m defining what my “not caring” means . . . well, in fact, I am caring: I’m showing care for the other person by staying connected. And the decision is still a shared experience.

It’s the shared experience part that’s particularly important because it’s about the importance of the relationship. Using the shorthand, “I don’t care,” isolates the other person—or yourself. It’s not easy to assess the impact we have on others with our choice of words. When we get feedback that doesn’t match our intention, clarifying the meaning of what we said usually helps.

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Recently I’ve been talking about curiosity as a communication skill—and, perhaps one of the most important communication skills. Why?

Imagine that every time you engage in an important conversation you remain curious. What impact will this have on the other person and the outcome of the discussion? . . . Think about it. . . . Remaining curious requires an open mind, an open heart, and a genuine interest in the other person. If you have that, those you’re conversing with will feel this and most will respond positively, likely resulting in greater openness.

Being curious is more than just being interested in gathering information. It anchors the listener in a posture that communicates good will, which makes being open much easier. The more openness, the deeper a conversation can go, and achieving understanding—the goal of interpersonal communication—is more likely.

In a previous post I referred to research about older couples who had been married (happily) fifty years or more. The aim of the research was to discover the ingredients that contributed to their happiness. These couples all reported remaining curious, realizing that as much as you know about your loved one, you don’t know everything—and you never will. This open-mindedness—curiosity—created a respectful environment where both partners continued learning about each other.

In the “Basic and Necessary Communication Skills” section of my book, Do You Know What I Mean?—Discovering Your Personal Communication Style, I suggest asking “I’d like to understand what’s really important to you. Can you tell me?” when you’re having a difficult conversation. This, when asked with sincerity, creates an opportunity for real listening.

Of course the most important advice for creating harmony in relationships is to listen. Listening well is an important skill. Curiosity is a special part of listening, perhaps a sub-skill. How we classify curiosity is unimportant, though, as long as we practice it and communicate it to others when we are trying to achieve understanding.

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“You really should find a way to . . .” Kim never completed her sentence or expressed her enthusiasm about an idea Josh had because he bristled when he heard the word should.

Using should is often dangerous. Like using “I” statements and reflecting back what someone has said before responding (to insure understanding), caution around using should is part of a generally accepted set of communication skills. In fact, we often chide one another for using it. The idea, of course, is that one may be (or perceived to be) robbing the other of their agency—the assumption that you know what’s right for me.

Kim, however, was not making a presumption for Josh. She was simply excited about what he was saying and thought it would be great if he . . . Josh only heard the word should and not the complete thought and reacted: “Why are you trying to tell me what to do when I’m just sharing my idea with you?” Taken aback, Kim responded, “I’m not telling you what to do!  Why are you criticizing me, when . . .” to which Josh replied, “Your controlling use of language is inappropriate.”

Discussing their linguistic process of the conversation derailed Josh and Kim and they didn’t discuss the actual issue. This happens. In fact, it happens more frequently than we’d like in intimate  relationships. Josh is linguistically sensitive. He uses words precisely because they guide his thinking and are critical to establishing meaning and understanding. Hearing Kim say should meant obligation, duty, expectation. According to the dictionary, Josh was right, but not according to Kim. She had no expectation, nor did she see it as his duty or obligation to do anything. Then why did she use the word? Josh wondered.

I could make the case that the relationship would be better served if Kim took more care in her use of language and make the case that Josh could take more care to find out what Kim means when she uses words that he strongly reacts to, like should, before taking issue with her. Our communication strengths can get us into trouble, so it’s important to recognize patterns where this happens and develop tools to mitigate conflict and promote understanding. If Josh and Kim can discuss this pattern, understanding that it reflects communication style differences and carries no bad intentions, they can develop a way to quickly acknowledge what’s happening and have an opportunity to complete the “real” conversation.

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Most of us don’t associate communication with Father’s Day.  But fathers do communicate whether or not they use many words.  Do you really talk to your father?  Does your father really talk to you?  Mine mostly talked at me and wanted me to talk more to him, which meant tell him what he wanted to hear.

My father was frustrated with his three sons.  He wanted at least one of us to think like him and behave accordingly.  None of us did. We each tried in our own way to talk with him, but he really didn’t want to hear what we had to say because it wasn’t in line with his ideas and world view.

In his later years, I could see how his disappointment in us created confusion for him.  He just couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t see the wisdom of his ways, which eventually made him question that very wisdom.  He became increasingly isolated during those last years.  It was a sad sight.

On one of my visits a couple of years before his death, I sat with him in the living room while he talked at me.  I was determined to be patient and let him talk as much as he wished.  Twelve hours later, it was bed time.  He talked and talked and talked.  I sat with him through two meals and the rest of the time I sat on the couch across from his recliner.  He nodded off briefly on a few occasions, but within a couple of minutes he was back at it.

He required nothing of me in the way of responding.  I said a lot of uh-huhs, yeahs, huumms, along with some questions to clarify; and occasionally I was genuinely curious about something and wanted to know more.  Usually I didn’t find out exactly what I wanted to know because he just wanted to talk.  So I let him.  It was a combination of genuine patience on my part and a desire to give him my attention, as well as a curiosity (maybe a little perverse?).

When it was time for me to leave, my father expressed regret that we didn’t have more time to talk.  I know—it’s hard to believe.  But he wanted something else that he didn’t know how to get.  He didn’t know how to connect, how to share his true emotions, how to ask me about myself—my hopes, struggles, dreams.

Over the years when I attempted to share more of my inner self, he was uncomfortable, dismissive or just thought I was ridiculous.  Needless to say, my attempts had larger spaces between them over time.

When I became a father, I was very determined to talk with my son, not at him.  I listened, asked questions to understand and spent time with him doing many ordinary things during his growing up.  Now that he is an adult, the conversation continues.  Today, Father’s Day, we talked for an hour.  We discussed our jobs, reminisced about past Father’s Days, got caught up on various family members, discussed politics, and shared our aspirations.  It’s not uncommon for us to have these conversations on other days, too.

Having the relationship I have with my son is one of the most important things in my life.  On Father’s Day and every day I am so grateful that I can have real conversations with my son.  I know I’ll have other regrets in my life, but that won’t be one of them.

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I’ve been asked to write a piece on cursing and find it difficult. Cursing occurs for many reasons, and certain words can be used in different contexts and so have different meanings or impact.

Cursing is often used as humor to lighten a difficult situation . . . and is often used for insult. Cursing is seen as hip by some . . . and as “low class” by others—in both cases, depending on the circumstances.

In a particular family, specific curse words can have their own connotations and be part of the culture of that clan. In other families, one simply doesn’t curse because “it’s not what we do.”

There are categories of curse words, too. Some with a low impact are used on news programs and in “polite society.” These are the words that your grandmother wouldn’t flinch at—although there are grandmothers who curse a blue streak. Moving up the impact scale, other more edgy words are considered acceptable among friends; though you might not use them with people you don’t really know very well. Finally, the heavy duty curse words are used by the most brash, often with force—gusto or anger or bravado. These are the words most people wouldn’t say except in more extreme circumstances, yet some do use them in everyday speech in most any circumstance.

It’s hard to take a moral stand against cursing because it borders on censorship, and in some way or manner likely most of us do curse. Yet truly overt cursing is offensive and inappropriate in certain circumstances where it clearly demonstrates a lack of respect. But what are these situations? Some are obvious but many simply are not and often there is a fine line.

What all this boils down to is the importance of keeping aware of the impact of your words on others, especially if you expect to have meaningful communication. To speak without mindfulness is irresponsible and disrespectful. We must care how others are affected by us even when we still choose to act in whatever way we deem fit. But if I am offended by your choice of words and therefore find it hard to listen to you, then we are not likely to understand one another. This may not matter to you as much as what you feel is your right to speak in whatever manner suits you. Your choice.

Both your right to freely express yourself and the words you use do matter. In the development of a relationship, being understood is necessary, and self-expression at the expense of the relationship is probably not worth it most of the time. For the most part, curse words themselves are not what transmits meaning; it’s the emotion behind the words and that you choose to use them. And that can be a powerful message. Though self-expression can feel personally satisfying, my hunch is that it doesn’t have a very long shelf life.

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In short, stonewalling is an attempt to avoid discussing or doing something. We build walls to protect ourselves, and the purpose of stonewalling is to protect. Generally, stonewalling is not intended to hurt the other person but it can and would be when perceived to be disrespectful or contemptuous. Unless you’re dealing with something extreme or dangerous in a relationship, assume good intentions on the part of a “stonewaller,” even if at first that’s hard to accept.

So many men and women I work with don’t immediately acknowledge it but they are afraid of open communication in their intimate relationships, so they stonewall. Here are some reasons why:

• She/he will talk circles around me and I won’t be able to articulate my views. I’ll feel foolish.
• I don’t want to hurt her/him or the relationship. If I get frustrated, I’ll get angry and say something hurtful just to protect myself.
• My partner claims to want me to open up, but when I express vulnerability she (or he) seems uncomfortable. Am I getting a mixed message?
• He/she holds all the power in the relationship but won’t admit it. It’s too dangerous to talk about.

We avoid things because we are worried and/or afraid. When our kids avoid talking with us about something important, we intuitively understand that it must be really hard for them. They are afraid of something. Is it really any different for us as adults?

Many adults—men and women—find it hard to admit they are afraid, especially when it comes to talking intimately. If you can accept the idea that your partner has good intentions, is probably afraid of something, and is worried about how to talk effectively concerning a difficult situation, you will set a better tone for the conversation. Acknowledging your own worries and good intentions up front helps, too. In fact, it’s always a good idea to state upfront your own intentions and goals when beginning any important conversation. This puts the other person at ease, which makes it easier for him or her to respond in kind.

Keep in mind that discussing a sensitive issue is difficult. It’s not a one time conversation and if/when we expect it to be, we’re in trouble. Sometimes it’s better to express your intentions, acknowledge that it’s also difficult for you to talk about, and you just want to get some thoughts on the table for the two of you to think about. Then after you’ve had a chance to mull it over, you can get back together for a real discussion.

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We all talk to ourselves quite a lot, sometimes out loud but mostly internally. In fact we spend more time talking internally than externally. This is a complicated matter in the relationship we have with ourselves, and it’s worth paying careful attention to the way we do this. Here’s an example of someone we’ll call Will trying to understand his reactions, thoughts, and feelings about jealousy as it involves his girlfriend, June.

Will was struggling with feelings of jealousy. The word jealousy generally has negative connotations, so it’s hard to admit to jealousy. It can seem small minded and implies a lack of trust. Will was especially troubled by his thoughts and feelings because his girlfriend, June, hadn’t done anything that would warrant not trusting her. So, Will was talking to himself about how foolish he is and how his feelings are all messed up. He was trying to be logical.

June is naturally friendly with both men and women, genuinely interested in people and socializing. She is pleasant and funny, and others like meeting and talking with her. When Will and June are together at gatherings, Will appreciates her engaging manner and likes how others respond so warmly and positively to her.

When they weren’t together, however, and Will was alone, it was different. Then, he visualized other men being drawn to June, flirting and trying to win her over. He pictured these scenes in detail, allowing them to be embellished in his mind’s eye. And that was the real problem: because he has a strong visual-spatial world, these images of June were in great detail, like a moving picture, energized by Will’s emotions.

After exploring his history in relationships, attachments in childhood, and general feelings of security in relationships with other partners, it seemed clear Will was dealing with very ordinary feelings of jealousy—he was not possessive or obsessive, and his self-esteem was solid. So, we focused on how he communicated with himself. While he pictured these disturbing scenes, he used negative words toward himself (“Why are you doing this? You’re being stupid!”), which caused his mind to move at a frenetic pace. No kidding it was counterproductive and making him very unhappy. How could it not? In fact, his imagination was running away from him. The pictures were controlling his feelings and thoughts.

Once Will acknowledged that he was producing these negative communications (both images and words), he understood that replacing them positively made sense. At the first sign of the negative, he began telling himself that he really loves and enjoys being with June, which is why he was afraid of losing her. He also pictured a positive scene of the two of them having a pleasant time together.

The third thing Will did was to recognize how physically agitated he would get with the negative thoughts and feelings, moving around frenetically and really working himself up, with both images and words. By slowing down the pace of his activity, however, he was able to manage his reactions better, clarify his thoughts, and more easily focus (picture) on the reality of his relationship with June.

Will initiated these three steps regularly, at the first sign of negative jealous rumblings. He wasn’t trying to convince himself of something that wasn’t true, ignoring signs and signals of boundary problems or infidelity. He knew what he was saying to himself was the “real” truth, which is why the practice was ultimately effective: his jealous thoughts dissipated and he could relax in the security of the strong mutual feelings he and June had for each other.

It is common for all of us to get into trouble around our strengths. Will’s strong visualization ability became a liability as he pictured things that really weren’t true but felt so real in his imagination. This is common for those with a strong visual-spatial component to their communication style. Will was talking to himself in pictures that were hurting him. By paying attention to this process, he was better able to find a more accurate way to communicate the truth in his internal world.

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Back in November, 2010 a Wall Street Journal article reported on recent research about talkers vs. non-talkers and how the non-talkers control the conversation. This, of course, is counter-intuitive because the conventional wisdom would say that talkers are in control. The thesis is that when the non-talker is done listening, the conversation is over. So often we want to simplify interpersonal communication by making people a this or a that, in this case talkers and non-talkers. (The article does, however, keep men and women out of the usual pigeon-holes.)

I spend a lot of time working with people to understand the nuances of their communication, which gets to the heart of the Communication Styles Framework. Someone may be more of a talker, but if you stop there and only focus on that element you miss the fuller picture, likewise with the non-talker. It’s more complicated than just being a talker or non-talker.

Interpersonal communication involves images, feelings, sounds, words, gestures and more. Being more or less of a talker doesn’t really tell us much about what’s going on and, more importantly, what we can do to foster better understanding—which is the goal of interpersonal communication. There are those who paint pictures with words, those who tell stories because that’s how their mind works, those who must logically present all the facts to fully communicate what they are experiencing. It’s not just about what you need as the listener to fully understand, it’s also what the speaker needs to create to complete their own process.

Also, let’s say my capacity to listen is less than your capacity to talk in a given conversation. Why is that? Perhaps, I’m tired, confused about what’s important to you, or I believe I’ve already gotten the point. These are all possibilities. At times it’s helpful for the listener to give kind and thoughtful feedback to the talker if any of these things are occurring. Also, it’s important (most of the time) to be patient, giving the other person enough space to satisfy their need to talk. Yes, I understand that some people do go on (I’ve been known to be in that category, myself!).

Likewise if you’re a talker, it’s important to realize that others often have a limit to what they can take in and digest. Say something about it: “I know I’m going on and I appreciate your listening, but I’m pretty wound up about this and need to get it off my chest.”

Interpersonal communication isn’t a simple matter. Accounting for the needs of both the speaker and the listener is important. But mostly it’s important to be patient, recognizing that we are all different, and we are more than just talkers or non-talkers.