Recently I’ve been talking about curiosity as a communication skill—and, perhaps one of the most important communication skills. Why? Imagine that every time you engage in an important conversation you remain curious. What impact will this have on the other person and the outcome of the discussion? . . . Think about it. . . [...]

“You really should find a way to . . .” Kim never completed her sentence or expressed her enthusiasm about an idea Josh had because he bristled when he heard the word should. Using should is often dangerous. Like using “I” statements and reflecting back what someone has said before responding (to insure understanding), caution [...]

Mark was enthusiastic about using the Communication Styles Framework to approach his marital problems with Martha. Martha, however, was more cautious. He easily identified with the interpersonal component and could see Martha’s intrapersonal strengths, and it seemed clear to him that this difference was causing communication problems in their relationship. Mark explained that he thinks [...]

  In short, stonewalling is an attempt to avoid discussing or doing something. We build walls to protect ourselves, and the purpose of stonewalling is to protect. Generally, stonewalling is not intended to hurt the other person but it can and would be when perceived to be disrespectful or contemptuous. Unless you’re dealing with something [...]

Many couples in turmoil find themselves waiting for change—more accurately—waiting for the other person to change. This is a dangerous, though understandable tactic. Here are some of the reasons why it occurs: I want to see if he’s serious. I want to know I can trust her. Words without actions are meaningless. I want to [...]

We all talk to ourselves quite a lot, sometimes out loud but mostly internally. In fact we spend more time talking internally than externally. This is a complicated matter in the relationship we have with ourselves, and it’s worth paying careful attention to the way we do this. Here’s an example of someone we’ll call [...]

Back in November, 2010 a Wall Street Journal article reported on recent research about talkers vs. non-talkers and how the non-talkers control the conversation. This, of course, is counter-intuitive because the conventional wisdom would say that talkers are in control. The thesis is that when the non-talker is done listening, the conversation is over. So [...]

Introverts and extroverts, it seems obvious which camp you are in by simple observation. Do you walk into a social situation and seek out others for conversation, enjoying the back and forth of friendly discussion? Or do you enter the room more cautiously, perhaps having a conversation with one or two others after some feelings [...]

When some years have passed since a divorce and each person has moved on in creating an independent life, certain feelings can linger that cause confusion.  Here are some of the comments I hear from clients in counseling: “It’s been five years, she’s remarried and I still feel this strange sense of responsibility for her [...]

A common perception is that women have a positive association to relationship talk and men don’t—that women feel better connected through relationship talk, whereas men are distressed by it and tend to feel criticized. I think this is another myth perpetuated in the popular culture, based on stereotyping and misunderstanding of individual communication styles. I’ve [...]