“I’m not sure how to describe it, but something shifted.” That statement is the most consistent description used by people in counseling to describe a positive change. Something shifted signifies movement, not resolution—as in fixing or settling an issue. When something shifts internally, perspective changes and whatever shifted is no longer stuck. When we are [...]

“You really should find a way to . . .” Kim never completed her sentence or expressed her enthusiasm about an idea Josh had because he bristled when he heard the word should. Using should is often dangerous. Like using “I” statements and reflecting back what someone has said before responding (to insure understanding), caution [...]

“It’s as if I have a wall in front of me,” Joe reflected. This is not an uncommon description from many who enter counseling. The image of the wall has obvious implications but is always more complicated than it seems at first glance. Joe’s wall is a barrier between himself and others, protection from getting [...]

Mark was enthusiastic about using the Communication Styles Framework to approach his marital problems with Martha. Martha, however, was more cautious. He easily identified with the interpersonal component and could see Martha’s intrapersonal strengths, and it seemed clear to him that this difference was causing communication problems in their relationship. Mark explained that he thinks [...]

  In short, stonewalling is an attempt to avoid discussing or doing something. We build walls to protect ourselves, and the purpose of stonewalling is to protect. Generally, stonewalling is not intended to hurt the other person but it can and would be when perceived to be disrespectful or contemptuous. Unless you’re dealing with something [...]

Many couples in turmoil find themselves waiting for change—more accurately—waiting for the other person to change. This is a dangerous, though understandable tactic. Here are some of the reasons why it occurs: I want to see if he’s serious. I want to know I can trust her. Words without actions are meaningless. I want to [...]

We all talk to ourselves quite a lot, sometimes out loud but mostly internally. In fact we spend more time talking internally than externally. This is a complicated matter in the relationship we have with ourselves, and it’s worth paying careful attention to the way we do this. Here’s an example of someone we’ll call [...]

Frequently, I’ve heard from parents of a child I’m counseling, the child’s rendition of our session. Parent: How was your session today? Child: We played checkers. I beat him. Parent: Did you do anything else? Child: No. Parent: Did you tell him about what happened at school yesterday? Child: No. I usually anticipate this type [...]

Introverts and extroverts, it seems obvious which camp you are in by simple observation. Do you walk into a social situation and seek out others for conversation, enjoying the back and forth of friendly discussion? Or do you enter the room more cautiously, perhaps having a conversation with one or two others after some feelings [...]

When some years have passed since a divorce and each person has moved on in creating an independent life, certain feelings can linger that cause confusion.  Here are some of the comments I hear from clients in counseling: “It’s been five years, she’s remarried and I still feel this strange sense of responsibility for her [...]